King Dustus and the Ice Cream Caper

By Jeff Green

Characters:

King Dustus the Ice cream King:

            King Dustus was born into a mid-class family back in the middle ages. His father worked as the village blacksmith and his mother was a barmaid. As a young boy, Dustus developed a condition that caused everything he touched to SCREAM and turn to dust. This was very problematic for young Dustus. When he played games with his friends such as baseball, he couldn’t grab a bat for if he did, it would SCREAM and turn to dust. The delightful game of tag was the worst for Dustus, he was always it and the other boys always seemed to end up as piles of dust after playing with him for too long.

            As a teen, Dustus grew frantic, trying to find a way to keep the people around him safe from his ‘dusty’ ways. Finally, one day he succeeded…in turning his entire village into dust. In light of him being alone, Dustus began to travel, he travel to lands far and wide and finally came upon the little town of Icecreameradiaville. He settled in this small village, which was in the shadow of its ruling castle. The king, at the time was very cruel and had the villagers working in the ice cream fields from sunup until sundown.

            When Dustus hit his late 20’s, he got a chance to shake hands with the king, he did so happily and the king SCREAMED and turned to dust. Dustus put on the king’s clothes and everyone seemed to accept the new king who was a lot less cruel. Dustus lived out his days blessing babies and making weekly visits to the town, after a few years there were only a few people left in town.

 Neopolitan Bonaparte:

            Neopolitan has a shadier past than Dustus. No one really knows much about him other than he has lived in the town of Icecreameradiaville all of his life. Growing up though, we know that Bonaparte despised the king and accepted, with open arms, the gentle-hearted King Dustus. He vowed to serve him until he died…poor chap.

Ray:

Ray was one of the first people to pack up and leave the town in fear of being turned into dust. He quickly became leader of the growing population of ‘lost souls’ and led them to great victory over death. After living off the land for a while, his people got tired of doing so and wanted REAL food, Ice cream. So Ray decided he would fulfill his peoples’ wish and come down to the fields and steal all the ice cream. He did so and went uncaught for over ten years.

Note: All characters in this play are derived specifically from the Friday Email. All characters are trade marked by their respective owners, or should be…just don’t steal any ideas! Special thanks to Ray and Harrison for their creative talent and cat-like reflexes even in the gravest of situations.

 Act 1

Scene 1

Curtain opens onto stage where we find King Dustus.

DUSTUS: (to audience) Hello kids! I am King Dustus the Ice cream King and you are the audience! (Chuckles) I seem to have made a joke! For all those who didn’t laugh I am appalled at how stupid you are. Now, I have had a problem all my life; everything I touch SCREAMS and turns to dust. This, since my childhood, has been quite a problem. In fact; that’s how I became king, but don’t tell anyone okay? We start about five hours…or days ago….I seem to have misplaced the thought but I thi…… (Curtain closes)

Scene 2

Curtain opens to reveal a valley landscape with ice cream flowers, a field of ice cream, and farms in the background. The castle can be seen off to the left in the distance. Two characters are visible: King Dustus and Neopolitan Bonaparte.

DUSTUS: (to Bonaparte) Neopolitan Bonaparte, your small village produces over 100 percent of the ice cream we have in the land! And lately you haven’t been meeting your quotas!

BONAPARTE: We are trying our best but there have been reports of an ice cream caper! He comes in the night and eats all the ice cream! We have added it up. He can eat through one field a night! That’s over….100 percent of our ice cream….EVERY night!

DUSTUS: Wait…so what you’re saying is that you have…ONE field of ice cream?!

BONAPARTE: That and these pretty flowers (gesturing).

DUSTUS: So this guy, Mr. Caper….he…ah….eats ALL the ice cream?

BONAPARTE: Yes.

DUSTUS: So where did you get the ice cream that I ate last week?!

BONAPARTE: Oh, that wasn’t ice cream. That was an ice cream substitute. We make it out of soy beans.

DUSTUS: And just where did you get BEANS?!

BONAPARTE: We grow them in the incredibly large number of fields that we aren’t using for ice cream. Where else?

DUSTUS: (obviously enraged) Could you grow ice cream in these fields that are used for soy beans?!

BONAPARTE: I suppose so….

DUSTUS: Then why haven’t we done it yet!?

BONAPARTE: Because there are only THREE workers that haven’t been turned into dust yet.

DUSTUS: Well…that might be a problem………….What are we going to do!? (Crying).

BONAPARTE: Well sir…you…. ah…could start by not making it a point to bless each baby at birth…..

DUSTUS: Why is that, Neopolitan?

BONAPARTE:  I don’t know……maybe it’s the fact that when you touch them, they scream and turn to dust!!

DUSTUS: Oh, I see, that could be a problem with the dwindling population…well…I suppose I could stop for a while. I mean, if it helps us with our numbers. Besides, those piles of dust don’t help with this nasty cough that I have (coughing).

BONAPARTE: Good, sire. Now what about this ice cream caper?

DUSTUS: Don’t worry about that MINOR problem. I can handle this…caper… (Laughs maniacally as curtain closes).

Scene 3

Scene opens up on the nightscape of the single ice cream field. There are large ice cream cones and such in the background. There is one that is on the stage. DUSTUS can be seen hiding behind it.

DUSTUS: (Whispering to audience) I’m going to surprise that caper and give him the touching of his life after which he’ll SCREAM and turn to dust!

Caper enters from stage left. *note* the ice cream cone that DUSTUS is hiding behind is on the right side of the stage.

RAY: (to audience) Hey everyone! I’m Ray, the Ice cream Caper, but don’t tell anyone but the person sitting next to you that is sleeping! WAKE UP YOU FOOLS! Oh, don’t mind me; I’m here to steal all the ice cream for unknown reasons…Why you ask? Because I have a family to feed and King Dustus keeps turning people into dust so I’ll hang out in the countryside until he leaves…until then I’ll continue. (Pulls bag out of nowhere and proceeds to bag up some of the ice cream moving across the stage. DUSTUS watches, waiting for the right moment to surprise the caper).

RAY approaches the ice cream that DUSTUS is hiding behind. DUSTUS jumps out from hiding.

DUSTUS: I have finally caught you! The Ice cream Caper! Who are you and why do you need all this ice cream?

RAY: Well good king, if I may call you th….

DUSTUS: You can’t.

RAY: Well then King Dustus the Ice cream King, my name is Ray and th….

DUSTUS: Ray Charles?! If you’re Ray Charles then you can steal all the ice cream you want!

RAY: NO I AM NOT RAY CHARLES!! Now, if you’ll let me continue. The reason that I’m stealing your Ice cream is because my family needs to eat it to live. Any questions?

DUSTUS: Just one, why don’t you just live in the town like the rest of the villagers?

RAY: Because there are 3 of them….and every time you visit town half the population SCREAMS and turns to dust!

DUSTUS: Oh….you probably want the baby thing stopped too?

RAY: Yes…that is getting out of hand…

DUSTUS: If I promise not to touch anyone from now on….will you bring your family to live in the village like GOOD people? I can promise jobs and homes…although they’re a little dusty…big piles. But never mind that! Will you do it?!

RAY: Hmmm….We’ll have to see. I mean, there are a lot of us and I don’t know if we can ALL move into the village. How many people can your village support?

DUSTUS: You act as if there are a million of you!

RAY: Well, it HAS been a while since we left….and….you get sorta lonely in the mountains…and ya see….when two people get lonely….well you get the idea! There are about 1800 by my guess, quite a large population for only having a start with two guys in the mountains four years ago, huh?

DUSTUS: Quite an amazing feat if I do say so myself! And I do! Quite an AMAZING feat…Wait a second….you said two GUYS started out in th…..

RAY: That’s all wood and gell. Or dood and well or what am I doing?! It’s good and well. GOOD and WELL! Whew! Now that that’s over; I’ll now go up into the mountains and gather my people and we shall forever live happily here in the village! (Curtain Closes)

Scene 4

It is the early morning and we find the stage empty. The scene is the ice cream field from the night before.

BONAPARTE enters from stage left carrying what appears to be a hoe-like instrument.

BONAPARTE: Not again! It looks as if the ice cream caper has struck again! KING DUSTUS! COME QUICKLY THE ICE CREAM CAPER HAS STRUCK AGAIN!

Dustus enters from stage right.

DUSTUS: What is it?! WHAT is it?! This had better be good because that was a very nice bath….except for when the water turned to dust…and then the bathtub….anyway, what do you want?

BONAPARTE: The Ice cream caper has st…

DUSTUS: Yes, Neopolitan, that’s all well and good, tell me something that I don’t know, I was there last night and all the man wants is to raise a family….of about 1800 people of course but still, a family. I have given him permission to move into the town and work here in the fields which are to produce nothing but ice cream when they get here. Understand?

BONAPARTE: (taken aback) The caper is just a wussy family man?! I feel like such an Idiot! I could have beaten him to a bloody pulp the first time I saw him! Yes, I understand. More people mean more responsibility. Do you think that you can manage al those people without turning everyone into dust?

DUSTUS: Of course! (Clapping him on the back)

BONAPARTE SCREAMS and turns to dust.

END OF ACT 1