Friday Email #76

"Roger Rabbit"

Friday Email #75

"Poetry"

Friday Email #74

"Delicious band"

Friday Email #73

"People!"

Friday Email #72

"Screaming Tree"

Dear Neo,

If a tree falls down in a forest, and no one is there to hear it, will it 

scream anyway?

Mom

Well, this just happens to be your lucky day, or actually you really 

could’ve asked me this anytime because I’ve always been an expert on 

the causes of screams. You see, I believe that there are three causes of

screams in all things. Number 1: fear. When you scare someone they 

will scream, that’s simple. The second is joy. Such as when they receive 

a hideous green and pink car on Deal or no Deal.

THE END.

=============================================

Phil’s short story: 

Okay, so there was this one guy I saw who was walking down the street

 when the street got hungry and ate him. True story.

=============================================

PHRASE OF THE WEEK!

“This ice cream is too cold,” Tom said chillingly.

Friday Email #71

"Voulse Wagon"

Friday Email #70

"Lonely Asparagus"

Friday Email # 69

"The Safety Dance"

ASK NEO!
======================================================================================
bwahahahahaha!!!!! it's the ask neo part of your favorite friday email series!!!!!! today's ask neo was brought to you by a bunch of stuck up major corporations and by viewers like you!!!! so show your support and ask me a question or advice or share an observation or say that i shuck or something. now on to the email which has come from anonymous.
         dear Neo;
                       what exactly is the safety dance?
 
that is a good question, in fact it happens to be on the top ten list of things we must find out before we can go to the moon. but, since we've already been to the moon, such an enigma must surely have been discovered. so, i shall just turn to my handy dandy "encyclopedia of facts that could very well be critical to the survival of mankind but probably no one knows unless they've already read this book or is as insane as i am" now let's see here: shaved limbs, shay dipped, shadows, ah yes, safety dance: discover in 1456, the safety dance is a dance used to create create safety when doing something incredibly stupid such as walking across a canyon on a chain of toothpicks a horse on your back. this practice then went out of style after the realization the at some points the safety dance can actually make a dangerous situation even more dangerous. This practice was brought back into the light during the 60's when people were willing to try just about anything for the sack of saying they'd done that. and that's all the time we have for now so i shall now bid ye all a berry berry well farewell.
 
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and now... INTRODUCING... PHIL'S SHORT STORY!!!!!!!
okay so this one time i was flying over this... i can't remember the name of the town but there was this guy in the town and he was jumping up and down in the middle of some sort of carnival or something and i guess he must have one some type of contest or game or something along those lines when he began his excited jumping, but anyway when he was jumping this big huge crack just came out from the spot where he was jumping until there just this big huge hole in the earth right where he had been. now my research tells me that at about the same time as this event, a narrow mountain came up out of nowhere in the middle of japan.   THE END.
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PhRaSe Of tHe WeEk
"If bologna smelled any better, I'd where it!"
 

Friday Email # 68

"Can I See Your Poetic License?"

Hy Vrybody!! I was just walking along and I noticd a strang looking dollar in the lan. I, bing of stout mind and mpty wallt, pickd it up and stuffd it rathr absntminddly into my back pockt. Soon I was suckd into an intrdimnsional world of pirats and novls with no ""s in thm.
 
all ofa suden der camed a rabit hopin round like it werent nobuddys bizknees anda litll boy nameded bob speaked to da rabit saiding i sead that youd comed hear but im l8 cause my teach done said id gone and spelled evethin rong.
 
SuddenlE, a gr8 big cow came down 2 sA that he went to Callie. Bob & the Rabbit R scared, but the cow said that he wanted 2 have a convo on his comp & use short hand.
 
"hEY," SAID jOE TO mASTER sPLINTER, "hOW DO YOU, mASTER sPLINTER, LIKE THIS BOOK WRITTEN BY ME, jOE mARRIE aNNE-tONY mCcARFREY?" tHEN, mASTER sPLINTER SMACKED jOE ON HIS HEAD THAT HE CALLED fRANK AND SAID, "iDIOT! yOU'VE GOT YOUR CAPITALIZATIONS ALL WRONG!"
 
hv y vr lkd t lsnc plts? t's prtty fnny, hw ppl pt thr wrd prsnl thngs n thr crs lik "ddys grl" r "thdvl". smtms t's fnny, nd smtms t's jst pln crppy. bt alwys thy hv n vwls.
 
so i syas to mslyef, i syas, why is it taht cron is suekhcd on a fdiray wehn we worte tihs on a mnaody? and tehn the posren who i was tlnikag to siad, "why is it taht you are mxnig all the ltrets isdine yuor wrdos?"
 
but then what happened next is a mystewy, because i was watching bugs bunny and elmew fudd is weally, weally funny because, fow, some weason, he doesn't say his "aw"s.
 
burrmole oi be diggin in thoi back yard because they kicked oi out of oi home, redwall, because they hated moi molley accent.
 
 
+me too!!! *pauses for a moment, and fails to come up with something decent* well... have somma this! *blows up earth out of spite of Harrison and Ray's awesomeness*+
=================================================================================================================
ASK NEO!!!!
=================================================================================================================
Hay every boddy! *gives up due to his oleaginous attempt at integrating the use of poetic license into his standard vocabulary* I got a message...
 
"Dear Neo,
If winning doesn't matter, what does?"
 
Oh. My. Snickers. Winning ISN'T everything?! *rushes to the racing track* Take all of my bets off of Seabiscuit! That horse will never make it anywhere!
Whew!
Thanks for that help there, Murielle. For a second there, I thought I... *shudder* There are lots of things that matter in life, like cars, beautiful women, and getting out of the old home once Grandma Elbert has started telling stories about her brutal initiation into her college sorority.

But beyond that, one thing that matters is that you must never EVER go in the attic.
 
EVER.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PHRASE OF THE WEEK!
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Cemeteries take what they are given.
 

Friday Email # 67

"love is the air"

Friday Email # 66

"Choose your own Confusion."

Friday Email # 65

"(No Subject)"

+good evening, as you may have noticed, I’m neither ray nor Harrison. I am RA. they told me to wait for them here and we'd do the Friday email, and so I did, but it's been three hours out on the very top of winto hill and I can't stand waiting any more, so I’m just going ahead with the Friday email myself. It was a DARK and STORMY night. I was wearing my fedora, she in a summer dress...by she I mean mama RA... not a date or anything like that, ancient men from ancient era's don't date...especially their mothers. But beyond the point. It was a fine day; despite the dark and stormy night part...we where shopping for the needed things for the anu-century viole family reunion... that's my last last name RA viole...and no I'm not related to anyone Italian. Let alone a pasta. We’d been in the store probably forty-seven minutes when came across the first thing on our list: deep fried chilled and frozen re-fried frozen chili. Alas it was on the top of the highest shelf in the store and extended many miles into the cloudy and dark sky above. of course, this was no dilemma for someone so wondrous and powerful as the viole family, with a single hand single (waving the left while jumping on my right leg with the left bent to a perfect 90 degree angle two times then switching to the left with the right now being bent and then slapping my face with the left hand and swinging the right hand in a complete circle) the RA menoodles were summoned. one by one, they raced each
other to the top of the shelf and came down with the deep fried chilled and frozen re-fried frozen chili... and a giant wheel of asiago cheese which the viole family so coveted. We then continued on with our search for the rest of the ingredients needed for the family reunion... this took about forty seven hours, forty seven minutes and forty-seven seconds. Then the partay began and what a joyful reunion it was: Uncle RA was now the leader of a secret cult organization and G-pa RA had landed the lead role in a documentary. Well, that's about it from my side of the board... whatever that means... isn't the world supposed to explode about now? Hmm... this is an odd predicament... nothing I can't fix *clears throat* I hunger for Campbell’s chunky!!!!!!+ World: *explodes*
 
+well... this is strange... this... RA Friday email will be continued next
week, but probably not with me... stupid administrators+
===========================================================
AsK NeO!!
===========================================================
Hey you guyzzzzzzzzz! After a long day of riding on busses and singing
loudly and obnoxiously to rap and its (unbeknownst) dirty lyrics, I like to kick it back with a…..
 
Dear Neo,
 
Do you shave your legs like other girly men?  If you do, what type of lotion do you find soothes your razor burn??  Also, what direction do you shave?  With the grain or against it?
 
Mom, gamer supreme & Dad, Ebay addicted”
 
Girly men?  Shave? Legs? What are those?
============================================================
PHRASE OF THE WEEK!@!@!@!
============================================================
“I STAB silence. With a FORK.”
 

Friday Email # 64

"ADD TV"

Hello!
 
i would like to start this off with the fact that ray is lazy. *THIS JUST IN:.:.:.: A LOSER DIES EVERY THREE SECONDS!* yes, of course a loser dies every three seconds when every three seconds people begin some crazy, epic battle to the death!!!!!!-Epic battle: NNNEOOOOOWGGHHHERSSSTTT!- okay, moving on now. *clears throat*
 
 
*in sing song fashion* sing!!!!!!!
sing a song!!!!!!!!!
a song...
          sung blue...          weeping
in a recessive pool of borish waste....
 
 
*CRRRSHH*
 
And now we come to the news! Isn't that great?!?! Here I am!!! Standing!! In a hurricane!!! Oh look, a flying cow!!!
 
*CRRRSSSHHH!!*
 
for those of you who can't tell what's going on, i shall inform you... basically... it's the end of the world... again... but this time what happened is this... well... i wasn't there but... umm... neo told me that king dustus told him while locked in an epic battle over the cheese which king dustus had obtained after the m,acaroni prince had informed him of the event the mr costume had told him while fleeing from metro who was on a crazed rampage from the thing that had set about the cause of the end of the world... now that i've set the stage, ray shall tell you exactly what happened.
 
*CRRRSSSH!!!*
 
OH MY A MASSIVE TURTLE!!! IT'S AMAZING!!!
 
*CRRRRSSSSH!!!*
 
I AM SOOOOOO MAD AT YOU!!!!!! SO MAD IN FACT THAT I WILL BREAK EVERYTHING IN MY POSSESSION THAT YOU HAVE SEEN!!!!! AS WELL AS THROW A PILE OF CLOTHES OUT MY WINDOW!!!!!!-
 
*CRRRSHHHHH!!!*
 
Madames, et Monsieurs... Nous sommes au regret de vous informer que le Français est beaucoup, beaucoup refroidisseur que l'Espagnol. En fait, la seule chose égale à sa grandeur est Allemande. Merci.
 
*CRRRSSSSHHH!!!*
 
and now we will put the broth in a pan to steam for a few seconds... only a few... if you cook more than fourteen seconds the world willl end, but if you cook it for less than 12.00000000047 seconds, the world will continue to exist, but will play a cruel trick on you allowing all of the should-be dumb-jocks with intelligence and you have none... what a terrible...AWWWW!!!!!!!!! I'VE OVER SIMMERED THE BROTH!!!!!
 
*CRRRRRSHHHHHHH*
 
Make sure you've thoroughly painted the pigeon...
 
*CRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSH.*
 
star 1: what if all those people up there are really stars looking up and making constellations out of us?- star 2: i don't think that's how it works, coltonstar.
 
*CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHRSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*
 
+thus ends this... something... i'm torn between it being called a friday email or a waste of time... wanna go ride bikes?+
 
========================================================
ask a super NEO!!!!!
========================================================
 
What exactly does "Zippedy Doo Dah" mean?
 
Thank you,
Mom, gamer supreme
 
mom... that name... sounds... sounds so... familiar... wait a minute!? it's YOU!!! mom!!! i thought you left me forever in the woods of despair and forlornness!!! i wandered in those forsaken woods forever... that is until i finally stumbled upon a trail that led to my dream house, alas, i ate it before i even got inside and the last thing i remember before sinking into a despairingly bleak world of darkness and merry-go-rounds!!!!! it was terrible!!!!! i vowed from that day on that i would find my way back to you, but instead i stumbled upon the land of cheese and athlete's foot!!!!!! that was where i learned my true destiny from the tall man with a billowing bag-pipe. then i fell into a long and eternal slumber where i awoke in a world where nothing was as it seems, but i woke up before the ice cream could devour me... or so i had thought... i had been transformed into a monster!!!!!!! but i'm okay now, thanks for asking!!!!!!! so i ran to find the key afore mentioned, which i didn't find, but fate has led me back to you anyway!!!!!!!! and now i will get to say what i have longed to say in so long... wait. in what way are you the gamer supreme?
========================================================
pHrAsE oF tHe WeEk!!!!!!!!
 
Not everyone has a chance to play the fiddle while hanging upside down from a ravenous 'gator's jaws!!!
 

Friday Email # 63

"Stubby Had Starbucks in a Flask"

hello people, how's death? that's good. death's really working out for me, i mean, before i was dead i was all like 'oh, no death is evil and walks around with a farming tool and a cloak' but once i died i met death and learned that he's really just some crazy guy with a beard that reaches down to the very depths of... something that's lower than hell... and he showed me how to play limbo, which i didn't originally know how to play very well because i couldn't snap my back in half. but then, of course, i was killed in an unfortunate incident involving creamed corn, a fat football fan,and a large shaven westie. that explains, by the way, the odd angle at which my back protrudes. so know i'm down in the land of limbo finally understanding why it is that they call it limbo (if you think that joke is overdone... deal with it cause i'm dead and i can reuse as many jokes as i want) and i decided i was going to go find out as much of the 'otherside' as i could before the world blew up and brought me back to earth because that's just what it does. i began walking about the land... (which isn't much in case you're wondering because all there is is limbo poles and purple mist) and of course, i met a few famous people. you would (or maybe wouln't) be suprised at the number of celebrities down there.- Tom Cruise: SCIENTOLOGY! SCIENTOLOGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!- like him for instance, i don't think i've heard him say anything but scientology down. oh, and then there's this wacko- Wacko: I'm not supposed to be here!!!!!!! but they won't believe me!!!!!!! it was only a papercut on the finger!!!! look!!!! i still have the scars to prove it!!!!!!- Not So Crazy Wacko: Yeah, well I'll give you another scar to talk about if you don't SHUT UP!!!!!!- ...yeah. that's frank. he was mauled by an angry panda. oh, and there's the angry panda that was killed by frank's brother ned. and there's ned, who was sentenced to death for killing a panda. there's the firing squad member, who realised that his was the gun that had the bullet in it. he commited suicide. ooh, and there's the maid who slipped in his blood and was bludgeoned to death on the floor. and there's colton, whose job of jumping in front of cars didn't work out so well. and there's leah who decided to test out the theory that if you shot two guns at either side of your head they would meet in the middle and explode, sadly, she was wrong. not so sadly however, is the fact that she never really existed in the first place and is a figment of our collective imaginations. but, nevertheless, i shall always remember the leahmo.- Leah: *strangle*- *ducks to avoid arms of doom* so... here's uh...- THEME MUSIC: who ya gonna call? GHOSTBUSTERS!!!!!!- the ghostbusters. busting each other. - Ray: *zaps peter venkman*- Egon: What did you do, ray?
=============================================================
ASK NEO!!!!
=============================================================
 
you guys! this is the schoolest (copyright of D'Nel inc.) thing ever!!! okay, so i was over at this one place and this one guy (you know who i'm talking about) was, you know, just doing his usual stuff and then...
 
"Dear Neo,
 
Are you an ice cream cone?"
 
Stella (don't ask...)
 
oh, i'm asking, stella... or is it really stella? where do you get off? just because i am a tri-racial dessert specimen of dessert does not mean i am not a cone! i come from a very powerful family... luke piewalker is my third cousin. and i'll have you know, we french desserts are among the best, in fact we are the best!!!!!! from the crepe flats of the west, to the donut craters in the northeast, french desserts are the best!! are you even human!? STELLA!!!!! STELLAAAAAAAAAAAA!
=============================================================
PHRASE OF THE WEEK!!
=============================================================
 
Be sure to eat your Applebeans!!
 

Friday Email # 62

"Melee Madness"

Happy Saturday! This Friday Email does not exist. That's right, this is a figment of your horribly tainted imagination crying out for you to play more video games in an effort to drown out reality as you realize that Mickey Mouse is just a man in a costume and Nike shoes don't really make you jump higher and run faster any more than a banana peel does. And since this Email doesn't exist, that, logically, must mean that I don't exist. But logically, if this Friday Email DOESN'T exist, that also must mean that you are NOT reading it, and in fact you may be opening Time Magazine right now to discover that YOU! Are the person of the year. Also, logically, since it really isn't Friday, this nonexistent Friday Email must be a nonexistent SATURDAY Email, thereby causing your Saturday morning to not exist, putting a lot of bad Saturday Morning cartoon-making corporations out of business. But logically, if there was logic like this all the time, logic, reason, and white chocolate mochas would cease to exist, causing the losers of the world to go into a state of mass panic (mainly because of the latter). I pity the rest of the world;  I already have World of Warcraft set up in my fallout shelter ready for when doomsday comes. While you are up being attacked by aliens and super-ants, Il be gleefully living on freeze-dried strawberries and chatting with every other genius on a massive multiplayer online game!! I DO NOT EXIST!!
And now a word from our sponsors.
=============================================================
ASK NEO!!!
=============================================================
"Dear Neopolitain,
                    Is the glass half full, or half empty?
                                                                            
            -Chloe"
 
Dear Chloie,
 
                  I'm not entirely sure
                                         if it
                              is
        half full
                                  or half empty...
                                                          Perhaps I should
interview
                          a few glasses and ask...
 
                                                                            
                 -Neopolitan
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 
Neo: Hello, sir? May I speak to you?
Glass 1: Huh?
Neo: Yes, you. Um I was wondering...
Glass 1: Yes?
Neo: Are you half-full or half empty?
Glass 1: Not this question!!!! All I ever get is: 'Half full or half empty?'
'Half full or half empty?'!!! Doesn't anyone ever stop to say 'Hi'?!?!?!?!
Neo: *runs for his life*
 
Neo: Pardon me, madam.
Glass 2: Yes?
Neo: Are you half full or half empty?
Glass 2: Is this some kind of sick joke? What is 'half full' supposed to
mean get away! *pulls out tazer*
Neo: *runs for his eyesight and neurological well-being*
 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 
*pantpant* Well, from that, I guess we can say that the glass is filled to
the brim, full of life, joy, and... pepper spray...
 
_______________________________________________________________________________

QUOTE OF THE WEEK!
 
Your mother!!!...Shops... at Walmart!.....Sometimes!!!!
 

Friday Email # 61

"A Fury of Flavour"

happy new year everyone! now, because i have awesome powers that are so awesome in nature you'd have to say awesome three times in one sentence just to describe it, i know exactly what you're all thinking: but where will we find matching spandex that size? yes, you can go ahead and say it, i'm a genius (of course, what i mean by you saying i'm a genius is not meaning that you would say those exact words for i am not saying the you yourselves
are geniuses, rather, i am saying that i am a genius and therefore the words you would really be saying rather than i'm a genius [which would be talking about you the speaker] you would say you're a genius [which would be referring to me, the genius] in fact, if you really felt like it, you could say something along the lines of 'you're a genius, o harrison the great awesome genius of the world, nay, the universe!'
 
of, course, for being such a genius you may be wondering why i spend my time with a loser that is ray. there is a simple answer to that which i shall make less simple by explaining it to you in the form of a complex thing. first off, of the ray which is ray, making ray the ray of the world in which sits a ray of light from the sun, there is i, the genius of the world, who is, in fact, not actually of the world, but not a genius enough to be the genius of the perkyfrocs, so i have just declared my name to be the genius of the world rather than the village idiot. so there you have it and i hope that was helpful in explaining to you all the reason for why i spend my fridays with with a ray from the sun.
 
now, besides wondering where we would be able to find spandex suits in the size (which i was actually able to determine using the classic studying methods of 447 blackboards and a stubble beard, as well as the method of listening to this weeks version of the voice in my head which was a great help by telling me that i would require a key to unlock a door that i had a strange feeling i needed to go through, and using the convenient book that
was a relatively detailed walkthrough of my quest) i'm sure you were also wondering how i spent my new years eve. and, alas, i spent it in jail with my faerie accomplices: joe, kalackrom, and miss b, as well as a rather cheeky gryphon (which had been an old friend of mine and decided that he wanted to be in another one of my adventures, alas, he chose one of the adventures in which we were arrested, it was probably because he thought it
would be funny if he had dressed up like a nun... which actually was pretty funny). but that's just the way life is sometimes and we got out after they learned that it was all just a misunderstanding and we had thought it was our house and that we had just bought a new house and we were moving what we had mistakenly thought was our stuff into our giant van to take it to our new house while still completely unaware it wasn't our stuff until the cops pulled us over and took us to jail.
 
but enough of the past, because you can't actually live in the past unless you want to really confuse yourself by prank calling you from the future or getting into a bar fight with a younger you and ending up crippling yourself and having to explain exactly how that happened skeptical sheriff who deserved to be shot, but i digress, mostly because it such a fun word to say but also because i tend to get a little carried away with the things i talk
about. like i remember this one time when i was in a seedy karaoke bar by the banks of the river bospherus and i saw this japenese man in a business suit singing 'smoke gets in your eyes' and the muscular cyborg german dudes dance with sexy french canadians while and overweight american wears a patriotic jumpsuit (just so i don't get sued or anything like that, this is from a song by the awesome band 'cake' and it is called 'wheels' because
those wheels just keep spinning round spinning round and round). so anyway, where was i?
 
ah yes, i remember now, king dustus was just about to drink from his goblet but, unbeknownst to everyone but the village idiot and dustus's trusted assistant, ray, ray had slipped some poison into the goblet while the hypnotised jester had kept everyone in the great hall distracted. but it all ended happily because the village idiot manage to swim the moat while still panting from his epic battle in the woods against the woodsmen of ray, who
could somehow reproduce by budding which made the battle thrice as hard, climb the walls while fighting off giant spider things that turned purple whenever you got near them and would blast you off the wall, free the lovely princess who was the only one that knew the location of the enchantress, who was the only one that knew what poison it was the ray had used, which was the information they needed to give to romanigoria who was actually a
guy despite his long hair, girly face, and long purple dress, and was also the only one that knew anything about stopping the effects of poison.
 
but, now that everything has ended happily, we have another problem. for those of you who have not as of yet noticed this fact, the friday email is always about the end of the world, either we predict it or it happens while we are writing the friday email, but, since neither has happened, we are addressed with a grave problem. but fortunately, i know exactly how to solve the said problem. i shall predict the end of the world!!!
 
harrison's prediction of the end of the world!!!!: we find ourselves two minutes after reading this email sitting on a giant, comfortable couch eating funyuns and wheels of cheese while watching the wheel of fortune. then, we fall asleep due the hypnotic powers that naturally resides within cheese and we find ourselves in a wonderful dream: we find ourselves, in the dream, sitting on a giant, comfortable couch eating funyuns and wheels of
cheese while watching the wheel of fortune. then, we fall asleep due to the hypnotic powers that naturally resides within cheese and we find ourselves in a wonderful dream: we find ourselves, in the dream, sitting on a giant, comfortable couch eating funyons and wheels of cheese while watching the wheel of fortune. then, we fall asleep due to the hypnotic powers that naturally resides within cheese and we find ourselves in a wonderful
dream we find ourselves, in the dream, sitting on a giant, comfortable couch eating funyuns and wheels of cheese while watching the wheel of fortune. then, we fall asleep due to the hypnotic powers that naturally resides within cheese and we find ourselves in a wonderful dream and because of the amount of dreams within a dream you find yourself awake just in time to see the see lions drop the entire mass of mars down to earth causing everything to explode in a fury of flavor.
 
+how will this dramatic friday email end, you find out in a little more than two minutes. good luck+
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ask Neo!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------it's that time again!!!! time for me to read you another ask neo question, but first a word from our sponsors!!!!
 
Guilt. this ask neo show is mainly brought to you by guilt because we know that eventually guilt will make you ask neo a question. because guilt is what makes people ask an idiot evil ice cream cone with humorous, if not terrible, advice and answers to the question that were asked by guilt!
 
now to check my inbox!!!! well would you look at that!!!! it's a letter from guilt!!!!!
 
        "dear neo,
                     why is it that everyone seems to think you're evil of
stupid or something of that type when deep down inside everyone knows that
you are the symbol of america and only one cone away from being the symbol
of the friday email which in turn is the symbol of america and the symbol of
friday which is also a symbol of american. I guess what i'm trying to ask
is: why do you think it is that all the friday email subscribers are
unamerican by not asking you a question?"
 
that's a good question, guilt. it does indeed seem to me that by you logic, you and i are really the only true patriots in the world. but guilt, i do have to point out that, even though we don't have any subscribers that don't live in america we should change your words to be politically correct so that it applies to everyone in the world. what you should have said was 'anyone who doesn't ask me a question is unearthling... ian.. itte.' but as
to your question i do not know the answer, but it's probably because of the fact that they shuck corn (trademark of taunco inc.) and that's all the time we have for now... and remember ask neo is brought to you by guilt. until next week, i'm Neopolitan J. Bonnaparte telling you to be patriotic to your planet and ask me a question!!!!
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Phrase of the Week
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"Crowbar, apply directly to the forehead!"
 

Friday Email # 60

"Have a GREAT Holiday, Says the SKULL."

you all watched in awe last week as we broke the laws of flashbacking and now you will die of shocked fright as you witness what we have now accomplished. about saturday of this past week, scientists discovered the art of flashforewarding, and i’m sure you all know us well enough to know that we jumped on that idea like those weird looking kids hopped on pop. so, naturally, we had the whole flashforewarding thing down by Friday and decided we’d test it out in front of our adoring fans, alas, we don’t quite have the obeying laws thing down, and broke the only thus far established law of flashforewarding: we flashforewarded with a turkey sub. while this may not seem to be such a terrible thing to you all now let me just tell you one thing; when a turkey sub goes back bad on memory lane… every nightmare you’ve had in your entire lifetime comes to life. so they took us to jail… the future jail, you know, the ones where you’re pretty much unconscious for all meals and spare time and only remember the times they made you do all the laundry for everyone else (while they were all still out cold in a technical sense, but still kicking in a telekinetical sense) but we somehow managed to wait out our life sentence and flashbacked our way to this day and age once
again (flashbacking rules are different in the future; you can go as far down memory lane as you want so long as you still have a decent bowl of root beer sauce) unfortunately, we only just discovered that our alien friend porkofoliogitorgolianstipolitropilighoifhjighghguaskfguyskjdg who we just call guy had made what he called a slight miscalculation and the computer had called a major miscalculation and the critics had called a clever plot twist and I had call a pointless diversion (for those of you who actually believed my story, I’m also the president of the world and have now just
passed a new law that you owe me a gazillion buckaroonies [the currency of the future])
 
so anyway, our story began yesterday, which would’ve been today had guy not made that clever plot twist, and, as I’m sure you all know, you can’t have a truly good story without the main character coming from noble heritage only to find out that he was met for much more than that, so our hero was born on a farm (or so he had been told all of his life, it was only after his 18th
birthday that they told him the truth and he discovered that his skin discoloration and eleventh finger wasn’t a rare disease after all and that he was really the prince of yourgonnadiehere [the awesome town just to the left idontknowwhere and a few mile before you hit landofawesomecows and well within walking distance of the desert forest] and thus began his epic adventure) but our story begins after he saved the world by flying out into space, zapping a giant meteor to bits turning back time, zapping the meteor again, falling in love with a beautiful reporter, and eating a turkey sandwich. our story begins when his girlfriend dumped him for a younger superhero, one with black leather instead of underwear on the outside of his red tights, and everyone considered him to be a giant has been.
 
we find him this morning (actually yesterday morning, but i’m just so used to writing these on fridays that can’t handle the fact that it’s really a saturday… plus that clever plot twist of guy’s was just too confusing for me) sitting on his couch with a cardboard cutout of some guy holding a
bucket of deep-fried chicken:
 
character whom we have not yet named: man, chicken guy, life’s really been rough on me these past few hours, first the cops chased me for stealing you and all your brothers, then i lose your brothers and find out that the one other that i kept was really your sister, then i discovered how comfortable
this couch is and sat down on it- chicken guy: *falls to the ground*- unnamed guy: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHICKEN GUY!!!!!!! WE WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER (for those of you who think this line is too cliché, i shall tell you a fact about this that you probably didn’t know: this line came from an old movie called “a streetcar named desire” which apparently was very popular in its day, which is why the line is so funny)
 
now i feel that i should take a break from this classic story to tell you more about this person, in order to be a king in the fridayemailian region, you must needs be some type of food and this unnamed man was no exception: he was a young rainbow sherbet ice cream cone in a cone much like that of his brother’s… his brother being… neopolitan bonaparte. yes that’s right, the bonapartes had three sons, two of which being ice cream cones one being a crazy world dominator, the other being an insane… something, and the final one being believed to have been a puddle by his two month birthday… very tragic… his name was… metropolitan and, as the legend goes, if the two ice creams were two join forces they would create an unstoppable force known as MEGALOPOLIS. such a thing was so powerful that it could only be spoken of in all caps, but, due to the tragic and sudden melting of metropolitan, the legend was abandoned; but, as always happens in these things, everyone was wrong to thing that he was truly gone and the legend would soon come to pass, or, in the case of us who are now in the day of saturday, it has come true and already sold the rights for a major motion picture by new line cinema, but not to be directed by peter Jackson… and back to the story
 
neo: you’re my brother!!!!!!!!!??????!!!!! how did you find me??????!!!!?????- metro: yes, and you’re kinda a world dominator guy and live in a giant fortress…-neo: oh, right.- metro: yes, so what do you say to
fulfilling our destiny?- neo: no, I can’t do something so dangerously compromising of everyone else- metro: it’s sure to guarantee world dominance.- neo: i’m in.
 
now i’m sure you all all know the rest: the team up, become a giant ice cream cone, send some desserts screaming, and then the world explodes before it’s over and we end with RA saying something about it being continued… and that’s exactly what happened… tell ‘em RA.
 
+glad to… this episode of the classic Friday email ness will be continued next week, if you send us a generous contribution of forty five dollars… each+
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ASK NEO!
Checking my inbox! Checking my inbox! Oh what fun!!!!!! Today’s letter is from our very own no new letters in your inbox!!!! He/she says:
 
I’m sorry, but this option is not allowed
 
That’s a very good question no new letters in your inbox!!!! Do you mind if I just call you no? I’d have to say that the answer to your… wait!!!! That’s not a question!!! No, you're going to have resend you question because I don’t know what you’re trying to ask… I hope to answer your letter next week!!!!

That’s all the time we have for now, but hopefully this has been enough fun
for you to enjoy your winter break *is being politically correct and is not
forgetting those who do not celebrate Christmas*
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PHRASE OF THE WEEK!!!!!
“Sleep loose and may the bed bugs bite you all they want!!!!”
 
 

Friday Email # 59

"Right Seventh Appendage to Green!"

+ hey, RA here, ray and harrison are a little... tied up right now... *looks
over to his left to see ray and harrison tied to a log moving down a river
at constant velocity while a 20N turtle is pushed right on his back by a
shuffle board stick* so i have decided that i will take over the friday
email for them, but remember, they're still here... in spirit.+-*slightly
muffled by duct tape* Isn't that a Halloween store?-+*ignoring the muffled
question* I hate to be the barer of bad news, but the friday email world is
dying once again... usually this takes until half way through, or at least
after we've finished saying hello, but this time it all began... on a
thursday...+ *flashback sequence*
 
thousands of friday email denizens: *crowd around a church and bustle in
while ray and harrison get shot by a carrot propelled from a bazooka*- why
are we getting attacked again?- You don't remember? It all started on
Wednesday....
 
sign posted in the center of town: JAIL PARADE!!!!!!!! COME SEE THE
CRIMINALS!!!!!!- So why are we arrested and in the criminal parade
again?-well, it all started on tuesday...
 
Ravenous Jungle Cat: REOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!-strange... where did this jungle come from... and why are we in it?- Well you see, it all
started on Monday...
 
eccentric runner: hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!! there's no way you can win this
race now!!!!!!!!- *Pantpant* Why are we in the race for a giant pepper? We
both HATE spicy food...-well, it's kinda a long story, but it basically began on sunday...- Legislator of Laws(aka LOL): AWRIGHT! THAT'T ENOUGH FLASHING BACK! YOU'VE EXCEEDED YOUR DAILY QUOTA!!! THIS NEVER HAPPENED. *back to  thursday! or... is it forward.. or sideways? or....*
 
it's to the left-+what is is? and where did you come from? *nervously hides all of his many many many many many MANY star trek posters*+
 
AT THE CHURCH... ON THURSDAY...
random lady that could possibly be related to someone the we've heard of before:
*wipes 'tears of joy' from her cheeks* i can't believe they're finally getting married!- finally? they've known each other for a couple of weeks!!!-Well, you know America... hey! Weren't we just getting attacked five minutes ago?-no, that was LAST thursday!- Um... sure... so... why are we here?- haven't you been eavesdropping on everyone?!?!? where's this world heading!!!???!!!???????????? *emphasis on the question marks* we're here for a wedding, GOSH!!!!!!!!!!- A wedding? For whom?- random lady who has already been mentioned: ya dont have ta use proper gramma round us... we're jyust
syimple folkses-...Um... who invited her?- i think she's one of miss Fraise's second cousins grandfather's nephew... her name's something... - Random Lady: It's Missus
Broccololiolayienheisenmowerchickepockeydockenfrickerlydropperyochtedrupmutryirieaghterinisis.-
Oh... hi, Missus Broccoliliolayeschterbr...?- Missus B:
Broccololiolayienheisenmowerchickepockeydockenfrickerlydropperyochtedrupmutryirieaghterinisis.-
....Right.-i'll have a go at this: missus
brochjerlityshfrehdighthahfydnghghghghghghghghghghg- How on earth did you pronounce that?-the gh is silent-Oh...-Priest Rabbi Clergyman III: Howdy all! ra's smiling down on us today!-RA: *looking  up from Science Fiction Weekly* Hm?- Priest: Yep! So! On to the marriage!
 
*THIS SCENE HAS BEEN CUT OUT FOR EXTEME GRAPHIC VIOLENCE*
 
So... THAT was... disturbing...- too bad the wedding didn't go that well-
groom: yeah, next week i'm sure it'll work out...-Is dangling rabbits by
their ears and running around the church naked a recognised matrimonial
practice?- Priest: No. But it's fun, anyway!- WHAT KIND OF PREIST ARE
YOU!!!!?????!!!????????????????????????- Priest: hey man, that's what you
get for hiring a priest off the internet!!
 
+to find out which classic friday email character got married, solve this
simple problem:
            OXFORD
           AAAAAA
 
AAAAAAAAAAA.AAAAAAAAA.AAA
(TRY THE WEBSITE FOR MORE CLUES!!)
_______________________________________________________________________________
 
ASK NEO!!!
hey everybody, this week, an email came from Andrew in jocksville USA,
 
Dear Neo;
    WHY does CHEESE taste SO good?
 
that is a good question, but the answer is confidential, so i shall give you
the answer in the form of a simple cryptogram
    OXFORD
   AAAAAA
 
AAAAAAAAAAA.AAAAAAAAA.AAA
 
That was rather evasive...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
PHRASE OF THE WEEK!
 
"No man should EVER out live his fictional wizard!"
 

Friday Email # 58

"Just When yOu tHought iT wAs sAfe tO cHeck Your Email..."

hello people!!! i feel accomplished!!!! we have now officially finished the year anniversary of the friday email!!! and the events are identical, we await on a dark wintery night in december for the time when we are ready to leave for our dear friend's birthday party!!! but this time, we do not write the friday email... this time it is written by one of you... and the winner is... *opening letter* sound familiar? well, if not then you missed out on some good times... so anyway the winner is... *opening letter* sound familiar? well, if it doesn't then you missed pout on some good times...-Hit Harrison, he's stuck.- good times good times g- g- good times g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g... *dies*- Here's the story.
 
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A. P. Schnitzelburger
 
This random character arose from the depths of mein own imagination.  His
full name is A. Pelstrudel Schnitzelburger.  He is a German Apple Strudel. 
His character is loosely based on Commandant Klink from the old TV show
Hogan Heroes?  Many of the Friday Email subscribers will not be familiar
with this show, but it was a very important show to me as I was a little
strudel growing up in Wisconsin, yes, that's right HOME OF CHEESE!! There
are very many German-type people there, and the strudel, sauerkraut and
bratwurst are very, very good.  I also enjoyed many hours of eating German
potato salad, which is, to say the least very ZESTY!!  Ah, da, I digress, on to his story...
**********************************************************************************
During the Great War (or World War Dor Desserts), many American, Italian,
and British desserts fought for freedom of oppression from the baddie German guy Adolph Bitler.
You see, Adolph Bitler was a vanilla ice cream supremacist. He thought the
only desserts that deserved to exist in the world were plain old, vanilla
ice cream products. He tromped through Europe with his army of plain old
Vanilla soldiers disposing of every other kind of dessert. Yep, no more
Apple Pie because many eaters actually mixed dessert races by putting
wonderful, creamy vanilla ice cream on top and called it a la mode.No
more Mousse au Chocolat in France. No more English Toffee in Great Britain.
  No more Baklava from Greece. No more Latkes in Israel; and heaven help us all the Americans were the worst! They tried to mix chocolate ice cream with vanilla ice cream and call it a twist. Twisted was indeed what it was! Vanilla Ice Cream deserved to be pure and singly enjoyed.
So, Adolph Bitler and his Vanilla Legions conquered many parts of Europe. 
They took all the undesirable desserts they had captured and put them in a
Refrigeration Camp. The Commandant of this camp was A. P. Schnitzelburger. He was a loyal follower of Bitler, but very much a bumbling idiot. He ran his camp with a firm whip.
However, the Dessert Allies, who were imprisoned there were more clever
than he and his Vanilla Guards. They dug underground tunnels, they had
successful spy rings, and they saved newly crashed pilots and marooned
soldiers from being captured. In general, they were a pain in the butt of
the Vanilla Regime, when in fact; the underground operations were going on
right under their Vanilla noses.
When the Allied Dessert forces finally liberated the Refrigeration Camp
commanded by Schnitzelburger, they took him as a prisoner.  It was
determined, however, that he was so much of a bumbling idiot that he was not a risk to mankind.  He was relocated to a homey little sanitarium called Happy Thoughts in Wahoo, Nebraska.
He now spends his days shuffling through the halls of the sanitarium in full military uniform with his riding whip tucked neatly under his arm.  He refuses to speak English and only will cooperate with sanitarium workers after they salute him.  He has gotten a little nutty in his old age.  He is now an Apple Nut Strudel.  His bilingual German Doctors have been able to make him realize that he was in fact a strudel masquerading as a Vanilla Soft Serve all those years ago.  He was able to hide his true identity from the Vanilla Legions and Adolph Bitler.  He has admitted privately that he is glad that Adolph Bitler and his Vanilla Legions were not able to upset the European dessert cart.
He has recently become aware of a set of desserts known as the Friday email bunch and would like to audition to become part of the0ar jafar, he's
our man, if he can't do it... GREAT!!!!!!-
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ASK NEO!
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hey homies! how's it hangin'? as for me... i'm hanging from a cliff with a
laptop conveniently hanging with me!!!! and as i chack my mail, i could
nearly jump for joy... besides the fact that if i did, i would probably fall
to my delicious doom! So...Kay!
 
"Dear Neo?
 
I was 1dering if U were a goode drawler...
 
Cood U drawl an Elf?"
 
Anonymous
Anne and a mouse, ANY
 
well, i don't mean to brag, but i think i can drawl... i mean draw pretty
DANG gould. an elf would be pretty easy 4 me... so i think i shall drawl
such an thing...
 
***WE INTERRUPT THIS CLASSIC FRIDAY EMAIL TO BRING YOU SOME IMPORTANT NEWS***
jimbo the news reporter: i stand here on the streets of Icecreamariadaville as millions scream in horror at the... thing that's rampaging through the city- Neo: IT'S AN ELF!!!!! CAN'T YOU TELL!!!! ELF!!! SEE! SEE! IT HAS POINTED EARS!!! IT'S AN ELF!!!- jimbo: sir? do you have any information as to what this thing is?- neo: it's an ELF!!!!!!!-jimbo: and how do you know that?- neo: ummmm... you see uh, well, the thing is... he... attacked me... and, and, he told me his name.- jimbo: ah i see *believing every word of neo* well if what you say is true than it's okay.- neo: what?!- jimbo: yeah, it's okay, he's an elf!- town person: AAAAAHHH!!!! HE'S DESTROYING THE HUMANNOODLE SHOP!!!!!- jimbo: no, it's okay, he's an elf!- everyone:ahhh, it's okay he's an elf! *all smile and walk away happily- neo: *gets brilliant idea* hmmm...- earth: *explodes*
 
+this...ask neo? will be continued... next week?+
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Phrase Of The Week
"aw, do you want me to kiss your pride better?"