Epic to Last Forever... Until the Fat Lady Sings.

There is a point, some say, where the hazy borders of the real and obscure meet. It is invisible and intangible to a fault. often it is described as the "Ghost Layer", and sailors are deathly afraid of it, often crossing themselves when the name is even brought about in usual conversation. The cobble-stoned streets were flooded with rainwater as the storm raged on outside. Two young men dressed in soaked clothes ran through the puddles as they tried desperately to escape their pursuers. After many long moments of running, they found themselves in a small, dimly-lit bar with only a few other people nursing their ale or jovially conversing. The wet newcomers sat down at a table as the barmaid came up to them and looked at them suspiciously. "You gents aren't from around here, are you?" she asked.

The travelers, surprised by her sudden apparition and scantily clad appearance, looked down and mumbled, "No, of course not." And, "Two gins and tonic if you please." this last request was put together rather imperatively, as though he knew he had the right to order humans around. The waitress stomped off, making a ridiculous scene in her high-heels, leaving the two strangers to converse among themselves.

"I told you it wasn't a good idea to light a fire in such close proximity to alcohol." the broader-shouldered one chastised, opening and closing a jackknife as did habitually when upset.

"Of course not, But I was hungry." the second replied, looking cautiously at the knife.

"Fool!" the knife flew from his hand, landing just between the darker toned man's fingers. "I suppose the dogs were hungrier."

"Don't remind me, my poor, smallest finger." He whined, holding up his severed digit. "Although," he continued, "I've never known the use of that finger anyway."

Their arguing was cut short by the raising volume of a yarn. "And there she was, the lost Pharaoh. She was washed up on a huge rock, an' all around there were..." the men leaned in anxiously, "sirens. It was odd; rocks kept appearin' an' disappearin'. I felt... strange. I'm sure of it, it was... the Ghost Layer!"

The young man across from the speaker tilted his head up and laughed at the mention of the Ghost Layer. "That's only an old story! There's no such thing!" he continued raising his voice even louder, "In fact, I'll set sail with two other scientists to prove that there's no such thing!"

Instantly alert, as always, to the word "two", the newcomers stood up and wandered over to the small crowd. "Seems that there's some need for our talents." the darker of the two said just loud enough to be heard.

The man turned around at this comment as the second stranger replied, "Yes, I'd say we are probably two most knowledgeable on matters like these." Though, in reality, they hadn't even heard what they were supposed to be dealing with.

"Really?" the very obviously gullible man said, "Would you two accompany me on this expedition?"

"I don't know," the dark one said, "We have hit a fairly poor poor turn in our luck and have no money with which to supplement your funds."

"No matter, no matter." The young scholar said, obviously eager to quickly merge with the world of discoveries. "I'd be happy to accommodate your present state." He glanced around. "Al right, men, we'll meet here in a year and a half. If we are never heard from again..." he shuddered, "Then that's that.

"It's a deal then." the broader man said, sticking out his hand. "My name's Ivan Pandora and this is Richard McMoren."

"Pleased to meet you, my name's Jacob Jones. We'll set out tomorrow afternoon, go home and get ready."

So it was agreed, and Ivan and Richard gathered their things - though a small list they may have been - but they were not truly Ivan and Richard. Ivan was Ray and Richard was Harrison.

Ray and Harrison (herebefore mentioned as Doctors Ivan Pandora and Richard McMoren) opened their eyes blearily. Birds chirped as a lone beam of sunlight fell across Ray’s eyes.

Ray sat up, looking about. “Mattress, mate.” He stretched, pulling his boots on and tucking in his white cotton shirt.

The two had been on board this ship for only a few hours having set sail late at night. Harrison was still getting used to the change, but, like Ray, Harrison caught on quickly and was ready soon after his partner-in-adventuring. They both walked on deck together and saw the crew lying idly about.

“’Hoy, you!” Ray pointed accusingly at a man sprawled drowsily over the helm. “What in the name of Davy Jones is goin’ on here?”

“Huh?” The has-been helmsman awoke with a startle at the shout. “Er… Weather we’re having, right? Completely…” Seeing the look on the “Scientists”’ faces, he faltered.

“I don’t know about you, uh, Dr. Pandora,” Harrison said to his friend loud enough for the helmsman to hear, “but I sure would like a crew that’s not asleep at all hours.” Then, turning to face the supposed helmsman, Harrison said, “What’s your name anyway?”

Ray and Harrison exchanged a rather confused look at this then Harrison turned back to the man and said, “Well then, Phil, can I see the charts?”

“Charts…” Phil said to himself as though trying to remember exactly what a chart was.

“We do have charts, right?” shimmed in Ray, now concerned at the eminent possibility that they had signed onto an idiotic mission with no way of knowing where they were, where they were going, and where they had been.

“Were we supposed to have brought charts?” Phil asked nervously. By this point Harrison and Ray were furious at the idiotic crew they had and had set their minds to teaching this oblivious Phil a lesson. Backing up nervously to avoid the swings and blows from his angry passengers, Phil tripped over a giant boulder that he couldn’t recall having been there before.

Ray couldn’t help but burst out laughing in an insane manner as he saw this spectacle, “Ha! So we remember to bring the worthless giant boulder, but forgot the charts! Didn’t we get the best crew in all of England!?”

Poor Phil was luckily saved from certain doom by the terrified call from up in the crow’s nest and the lookout man, probably among the few crew members that was actually doing his job. “Hoy! You’ve gotta see this, mates! Look off toward starboard!” Instinctively, everyone rushed to the starboard side and saw a sight they’d never forget. A large island was flickering between visible and not right before their eyes.

“What are you all looking at?” called Jacob Jones as he left his cabin. No one turned around. Even the commanding voice of the expedition leader wasn’t enough to tear their eyes away from such a strange event. Had they known he was floating in midair, they might have paused to reconsider.

This was unnecessary since it only took Jacob Jones a few moments to realize that he couldn’t feel the planks beneath his feet and shrieked out in surprise and in knowing that he had lost a lot money as he knew that he was in the Ghost Layer, thus proving it real. Then he noticed that his ship had split perfectly into two smaller ships with the crew on one and him on the other.

Suddenly, the island that had captured the eyes of the crew was beneath them and they were all soon beached on top of a mountain. Screaming in panic now at the terrifying and unusual activities of these inanimate objects, many crew members abandoned ship and fell to their doom or to be left behind on the sinking island. The ship and everything on it didn’t stay on the mountain too long as a strong breeze came by and carried them off into a cloud that had a striking resemblance to an ice cream cone.

The next Harrison and Ray knew, they were laying on a beach. That is, if it could be called a beach, every once and a while there really was a sea and sometimes they were laying on sand, but usually it could be more appropriately called a dessert desert. They then turned to see a sight that, though they’ve already seen something that we have said they would never forget, they would never forget. Phil the lazy and unskilled helmsman had turned into a creature of terrible terribleness. He was a bird, but, rather than having the traditional wings of a bird with feathers and hollow bones, he had some pans… pan side up, of course. “Ah!!!!!! I’m hideous, don’t look at me!!!!!” Phil shrieked in anguish.

“Well that’s kinda weird, wouldn’t you say?” Harrison said, turning to Ray. It was now Harrison’s turn to scream in shocking terror. Ray’s head was now as big as Harrison’s had been before they had entered the Ghost Layer, and, to even more surprise, he had a black outline around him. Ray looked down at his outlined hands and yelled, “Gah!!!! I have a black outline around me.” stating the obvious.

“Of course you have an outline, this unnatural dimension-world gives us super-powers, and you would know that is if you have read The Friday Email Chronicles Illustrated Comic-s #809,” Said a person that had appeared right behind them to the quarter-most degree of pi in the inverse side of the Magic Pebble. That someone was Zac.

“Who are you?” Ray asked suspiciously, “And why are you striped black and white?”

“Uh, I kinda merged with my zebra collection, which I brought with me when I followed you guys with my blue waterskimmer, which kinda looks like a ripe overturned banana with a windshield, but that’s not the point. I have found you at this thing you guys are thinking that is a beach, but it really is a large piece of sandpaper, with the sand not stuck on the paper. If you dig deep enough, you will find paper and sticky stuff, and I found out the hard way, which was the excuse I’m using cause I couldn’t prevent you from seeing Phil the really lazy and unskilled helmsman turn into a, you guessed it, panbird.”

The two men looked at him oddly for a moment, and then turned away. “Okay, wise guy.” Ray hissed to Harrison, “Where are we NOW?”

“What, it’s MY fault?”

“Yes. You introduced us to Sir Uppity-Whats-‘Is-Face.”

Harrison frowned. “You know you shouldn’t have left it to me, then.”

“Course not. You were full of mead and drooling over Miss Bartender.”

“Was not!”

“Whatever…” Ray trailed off, looking straight ahead. Harrison followed his line of vision and saw it, too.

Up ahead, in the distance, under the swelteringly hot heat, there was a giant vanilla flavored ice cream cone walking, or rather hovering due to its (though, as you are sure to know already and if you don’t will find out, this dessert was male) lack of feet, towards them. His path was obstructed by yet another ice cream cone that was this time a more adventurous flavor of Neapolitan. This ice cream cone differed from the other by the fact that it resided in an E.Z. Cone rather than the traditional pointy cone layout. As soon as the deliciously delectable desserts met, the vanilla cone said, “What are you doin’ here?”

The other cone looked up from its pixie stix castle and said, “TB told me that you’d be here to begin your dastardly devious plans to overthrow the world.”

“You want to save the world?” the first cone asked in astounded confusion.

“No, I just don’t want YOU to take over first.”

“What if we took over at the same time?”

“But then we would only be able to take over half of the world each.”

“No, can’t we both take over the entire world?”

“No, there is no way two cones can share the world.”

“Unless they’re gay.”

At this the two cones edged away from each other.

The vanilla cone spoke again. “Never mind about the sharing thing, then.”

They commenced to try to blow each other up.

Ray and Harrison watched with incredulous awe as two ice cream cones, or at least what looked like it, attacked each other. After a particularly nasty blow on both sides, the two separated began to fire blasts of blastiness, ice, and fire. Each shot missed until two were both aimed right at each other and one of the crew members that had remained relatively normal despite his purple tongue ran right into the crossfire screaming for them to stop. He was turned to stone. Let me tell you exactly what he looked like: a freak. There was a really big explosion when he was turned to stone and everyone paused for about two seconds, and then they went back to whatever they were doing before. That is, everyone except for Ray and Harrison; they began to talk to each other, which is something they hadn’t been doing before.

“Wow, he turned to stone.” Ray said

“Yeah… I haven’s seen that since, since…” his bewildered friend replied

“Since?” Ray inquired

“I… don’t know.” Harrison answered mysteriously while staring off into the distance.

Suddenly the badger-man interrupted their deep and philosophical conversation with a

“Looke ye! There be a ice creme over there!”

“Wow. Thanks.” Ignoring both this obvious statement and the petrified crewmate, the two vagabonds crept stealthily towards the seemingly odd pair. (Not only were they seemingly odd, but just odd, as well) The following conversation was overheard by the stealthy people:

“Now look what you’ve done, gone and petrified a person!” the vanilla cone whispered while also managing to scream.

“Me!” the other cone said, not being quite as skilled in the oxymoronica department, “I told you we should have turned in the people before starting our epic battle to (taking a page out of Zelda) TAKE OVER THE WORLD.”

Our heroes, assuming they heard all they needed to (but you know what they say about assuming), left the yellow bushes they’d been hiding in and promptly fell into a bottomless pit.

Physics teachers say that free falling is relatively comparable to a steep drop on a roller coaster. They are, however, dead wrong. A steep roller coaster hill, compared to free falling, is like walking through a sewing store. Scary, horrific, maybe, but not terrifying. But comparing most free falls to this one was like comparing Micheal Buble to Macy Gray. This free fall was probably the most horrific, utterly terrifying thing a person had ever encountered in the history of man as we know it…

“Well, that was fun.” Ray picked himself up from the ground and dusted his clothes off. Or tried to. They seemed to be in some world of swirling dust. They could hardly see three feet in front of them and they were slowly being buried under the dust when suddenly they were free of it again.

“You call this fun?” Harrison asked beginning to wonder about the sanity of his friend.

What they then saw coming toward them from within the dust surprised them both. It was what seemed to be a macaroni noodle.

The strange and mysterious being became bigger and bigger as time went by (this being a sign that he was getting closer). With each… step this noodle took our two heroes’ fears grew and grew.

Ray put on a brave face, staring at the advancing blob of doom. “Come on, it can’t be that bad. What harm could food possibly do?”

“Sure,” Harrison said sarcastically, “Especially since we just met up with two ice cream cones that want to take over the world and are probably ravaging our ship and crew as we speak!”

The noodle came even closer as they spoke.

“Good point.” Said Ray, beginning to back away from the now terrifying pasta – one of Harrison’s favorite dishes.

The noodle came closer still.

“You know mate,” Ray said, reaching for a sword that was no longer there, “I think he keeps starting over.” It had taken over fifteen minutes for the mysterious apparition to cover twenty feet.

“You bring up a good point. I like you.” This comment was not Harrison, it was the macaroni noodle who had suddenly appeared in between the two heroes. Except for the fact that Harrison had probably jumped about twenty feet above them.

“Come down here, you might need your skin back.” Ray stared up at his friend.

“No.” Harrison refused as though he had a choice. He promptly fell to the swirling ground.

“I’m sorry, did I startle you? I just noticed that you two have been caught in my little vortex here. I figured I might as well tell you that you might want to… move to the left.”

The two adventurers did as they were told, and immediately a set of huge jaws snapped up through the sand and snatched away Harrison’s boot.

“GYAHHHH!” Harrison ran behind Ray and cowered. Clearly he was having a bad day.

“Might not want to stand there, either.” Suddenly, a huge fear popped up from the ground. It was dripping oozing, slimy dryness. Its thin legs were bulging with disgusting cellulite. Its three eyes twirled in its socket. It released a juicy-dry belch right into Harrison’s face. He could smell the terrible scent of a thousand living corpses. They were screaming silently at this unaware knower, telling him to run away.

Harrison fainted.

Chapter vi

"Congregationus Colossus"

Badger man didn’t fall into the bottomless hole like Ray and Harrison did, in case you couldn’t tell by the fact that he hadn’t resurfaced with at the bottom. He considered himself lucky for that, but then reconsidered when he was captured by the two ice cream cones afore mentioned.

“BADGERS, ASSEMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” the badger man called into the night, but something went TERRIBLY WRONG!!!!!!! Along with the expected badgers, many random and Unexpected creatures appeared like the penguins and the Dalmatians and the pandas and the zebras and lemurs and the snow leopards and the white tigers and the skunks and the film stars from the 20’s. Unfortunately, they did about nothing towards freeing badger man, instead they just beat each other up, having been natural enemies or just felt like killing someone. So badger man was captured.

They took him across many different land formations and what not until he arrived at a great big big super large extra sized giant big biggest big building that was ever the biggest to be considered huge. There, they knocked on the big huge giant large extra sized giant big door 47 times then whistled Dixie 3 times, but badger man knew they weren’t just whistling Dixie; they meant business.

The door (which I think I have adequately described as big), opened and the three went inside. They walked down the tiny small impossibly short and skinny hallway for about 47 minutes until they came to a door that was, if you can believe it, EVEN SMALLER THAN THE HALLWAY!!!!!!!! There they pushed the door open and walked into a room that was sooooooo big the building seemed too small to even have the logical, if such a word can be used in this narrative without certain doom, capacity to contain it.

There were many young and old things sitting around in the room, some looked something like people except that they had like hair made out of chess pieces or three arms that seemed to become two or red jumpsuits with those weird little flaps at the bottom that were held up by some kind of tack or arms that were where the legs should be and legs where the arms should be. The other things in the room varied from wheels of cheese, pastas, birds, desserts, snacks, candy, breakfast, spoons, forks, knives, faces to Frankenstein, various articles of women’s underwear, moonshine, pacemakers, record players, and 60 watt light bulbs.

Though all these things seemed terrible and great, there was one, and some random thing at its side, that towered above the rest (mostly because he, and his little assistant, was standing atop a tower that, though the room was large, stretched straight to the top.

The little thing raised its hands and immediately a murmur ran through the room whispering that the great Professor Cerebellum was going to speak; it only got about halfway through the room before it tripped fell never to be seen again, such is the lives of murmurs.

“Attention, all my pupils!” the little creature said. “It is time for our lesson to begin!” The room was completely silent; except for the little friend of the little thing who was having a grand old time hitting himself over the head with what looked like a genetically mutated breed between a carrot and a tomato.

“Before we begin, has anyone managed to at least take over part of the world?” the little man looked around the room for a raised hand. Then he saw the hand of a monkey wrench, struggling to be seen above the forty-seven giants he was sitting with.

“Yes,” the little creature said expectantly, “what do you have?

“I’ve successfully managed to adopt a major highway. I will now leave it alone until the highway has become so disgusting and clogged that no one will be able to drive on it!"

“Genius!” the little man exclaimed, stepping into the light and revealing what he truly was… a guinea pig.

The lesson then continued with a record low of only forty-seven random attacks. The guinea pig took it to be that they were all busy plotting and paying attention. The truth was that the one and only girl in the world had decided to stop by for a session.

“Now! Go my underlings! Keep in mind what I’ve told you and try to take over the world!” concluded the little guinea pig as his weasel friend took a dive off the tower.

Instantly, the two ice cream cones and Badger man were upon the tower, racing toward the guinea pig that will further more referred to by his name which we had cleverly revealed at the end of the last episode (for those who can’t remember, it was Professor Cerebellum). “Ah!” Prof. Cerebellum screamed in fear as he saw the badger man. “Who is this freakish thing you have brought before me?”

“He’s a newcomer, professor.” Neo, the Neopolitan said. He’d always been a teachers pet and the other cones began to imitate him, much to the annoyance of the Professor.

The rodent was instantly more interested than he had been before. “Where did you find him?”

“Somewhere in Dessert Desert.” Neo answered again before Loserus Dustus could answer (this was the name of the other cone… his parents had a cruel sense of humor… he inherited their vanilla flavor).

"Put him in the “Damsel-in-Distress” Tower. He’s not pure enough for a human
specimen, part-badger just messes things up… which is why I don’t eat mushrooms. But I can sense two perfect specimens somewhere in our world, for whom he’d be the perfect bait! Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!”

Neo and Loserus joined in, though they hadn’t understood a single word the guinea pig had said in his speech that was mostly just there for the audience to know what the plan was and to put in an overall premonition of suspense.

Chapter viii

"Halucinous Hilarious"

Meanwhile, Harrison woke up. Upon awaking, Harrison mumbled, “I am one PERFECT specimen.” Though he forgot about saying such a thing as soon as it came forth from his lips.

Harrison was lying in a bed in a room that he assumed was in a house that hopefully resided on the ground. But he couldn’t really be sure. Things like that happen when a horse is tilting uncontrollably.

“Hello?” Harrison’s frightened voice echoed hollowly through the marbled, renaissance hallway. He tiptoed down the hallway, clad in strange, silken, baggy pajamas that only came midway down his arms and legs. The silk was decorated with Chuck Norris fighting a unicorn.

He crept into a huge room decorated with papier-mâché rhinoceroses dating all the way back to 87,655.476,857,647 QP. Tentatively, he reached out to touch one of the rhinoceroses. It was furry to the touch and Harrison uncontrollably requested cheese on a golden platter. Much to his surprise, a rain-clad butler brought one to him. “Uh, thanks.” He said rather befuddled.

Harrison continued onward until he came upon the one room he had always dreamed about. It had stairs and doors and walkways ad balconies and chickens going every which way. In gleeful bliss, Harrison ran from stairway to chicken to door to window. He fell off many times, only to be pulled in some other unusual direction, landing safely on a step or a path or a chicken. Once he was run over by a wheel of cheese, but that didn’t stop his fun.

“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!” Harrison screamed happily, lifting his voice to the ever-changing ceiling above.

“Um… Harrison?” Ray popped out from behind the couch, quietly closing the secret entrance. “What are you--”

“Holy COW a talking rock!” Harrison jumped onto the huge fluffy couch, grabbed a pillow, petting both it and the couch. “Oh, wise penguin clan… guide me with your wisdom…”

“What did you do, Harrison?”

“What’s your name, mister talking rock?”

Ray sighed. “Um… Larry. I’m Larry.”

“Wait a minute! There shouldn’t be a Larry!” Harrison screamed, “Deception! Disgrace! Even as plain as the scar on your face!”

“No… umm… my…middle... name… I’m actually Joshua. The talking rock.”

“I knew it, that Mulan was a troublemaker from the start!”

“Harrison, what did you touch?!” Ray screamed back, thoroughly irritated at his friend.

“I swear I touched nothing but the lamp!”

“You know what? Screw this.” Ray turned and walked off. I’m going to find who’s in charge round here!”

Ray walked down a hallway until he came upon the very rhinoceros room that Harrison had been in previously. Ray had run very hard without realizing and leaned against one of the papier-mâché animals.

“Oh my gosh! It’s Jackie Chan!”

Chapter ix

"Coupleus Conspicuous"

“And here, milady, is where we keep the wheels of gote scheese.” The Macaroni Prince, a decent sort of fellow—if you can get past the whole “giant noodle” thing – once you get to know him, said. He was escorting a lady strawberry, albeit a tad difficultly.

“Mmhmm.” The dipped strawberry said, hardly paying any attention. “And what’s in that room?”

A strange smile came across the prince’s face, “Ah, that contains the rare papier-mâché rhinoceros statues! One touch and you’d start imaging all kinds of crazy things… even in this world.”

“Really?” Miss Fraise – the strawberry – asked, really intrigued now. “Can I see them?”

“Of course, Milady!” the Macaroni Prince exclaimed as he pushed open the puke green door.

“I’m sorry, my client, Pepsi, can’t do this scene.” Ray said, calmly picking up the cylinder shaped pillow he’d found behind his “castle” (*cough* storage box *cough*).

“CHIIIIIIIIIIIIICKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!!!!!!” Harrison screamed as he swung an imaginary sword.

“Er…” The prince shoved his girlfriend out the door. Smiling at her tenderly, he shut the door, then whirled on his hallucinating houseguests. “What do you think you two are doing?” he grunted.

“Shhh. I’m in the middle of a very important meeting.” Ray hissed sharply.

“Hyaaaah!” Harrison interrupted swinging his arms over the Macaroni Prince, nearly knocking his hat off.

The prince sighed, “I guess I should have locked that door. Oh well. Follow me, it’s a delicate process getting the fur of the rhinoceros out of your system.”

They reluctantly followed and delusionally obeyed his orders. They made sure to thoroughly paint the chicken, they killed the purple werewolf with exactly three seconds remaining on the clock. They managed to find the secret passageway and (though it was hard) they succeeded in the exorcism of seven people while crossing the equator and the prime meridian each ten times with occasional interference of a giant ninja.

Once this was done they returned just in time for dinner, giving life to the saying of being saved by the bell.

Chapter x

"Travelus Terriblus"

There he was, lost in the treacherously swirling sands of thyme, time, and mimes. Nothing to see for miles around. Nothing to eat, drink, or even smell, either. No thoughts in his head but the fact that no one, not even his creators, seemed to remember that he was sitting alone on the deadly beach. No one cared. That thought resounded thickly in his mind, pounding out all other wants, desires, and urgent needs to relieve himself.

Phil trudged up a sand dune and sat down dejectedly. With a groan, the dune shifted and sped to the west at 456 Harrisons-per-second.

It was then that Phil realized that a Harrison wasn’t a standard unit of measurement anyway and decided to forget the whole thing.

Chapter xi

"Motivationalous Mustacheous"

Prof. Cerebellum adjusted his glasses and peered at his apprentices with disgust. He sat for a while, disgustedly wrinkling his pink little nose. Finally he spoke.

“I’ve noticed there’s been a recent uprise in population in our school, and a downfall in morale. Therefore, to fix the first problem, I’m going to start killing you guys randomly in the corridors.” The students were quiet at this, staring expectantly up at their professor.

“Secondly, for the latter problem, I’ve hired a motivational speaker for all of you.”

This statement was followed by the extreme wailing of thousands of tormented souls who knew their woe would never end in their extreme misery.

“Also,” Prof. Cerebellum continued, “His seminar starts right now, if you’ll all- HYAAAAH!” he paused a moment as he attacked and destroyed a pair of bunny slippers that had desperately tried to run for cover. “Just enter that room over there and we’ll begin.”

So all the pupils shuffled into the giant ballroom down the hall and sat in chairs, seats, couches, hands, pistols, fish, livers, and chickens. In the center, a robot paced in little circles, wielding a laser gun. To the right, a huge sign that said “THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING.” zapped a mobster that was sporting a huge cigar.

“PLEASE BE SEATED OR DIE! PLEASE BE SEATED OR DIE! PLEASE BE SEATED OR DIE!” A speaker squawked. Badger-man, Loserous, and Neo instantly sat down. Another ice cream cone sat down next to them and began to chatter unceasingly upon sitting.

“Why do you think we’re here?” he said, “I don’t mean like philosophically or anything, but why do you think we’re listening to this seminar thing? Not that we’ve begun listening to it yet, but, still. What do you think it’s going to be like once we start? How much do you hope to get out of this experience, I really hope to improve myself 100% and a half or so.” And so it continued.

Badger-man turned to the two cones he already knew and asked, “Do you know him?”

Loserous answered, “That’s Blueberry Blast. Neo made him in chemistry hoping to create someone worthy enough of beating me in gym. It didn’t work and now we’ve got this strange fellow following us around. He does have his good moments sometimes.”

Neo stared off into the distance. “Yeah, like if you’ve got a terrible thirst and there’s no water. Or if you’ve dug a pit and want to fill it with-”

“Hello, everyone!” A huge hairy thing appeared from behind the curtains.

“Ugh!” Badger-man whispered. “What is that thing?”

The thing, hearing him, began talking, revealing it for what it was— a giant mustachioed pair of lips. “Do you want to come up and play with me?”

Badger-man recoiled. “Uhm…” But, upon noticing the laser rifle pointed in his specific direction, he mumbled, “Yeah, okay…”

Once upon the stage next to the lip and mustache, the motivational speaker spoke. “What would you like to be?”

For some reason, Badger-man couldn’t help but give a straight answer. “You know,” he said as tears began to build up in his eyes. “I always had this desire to be a purple, poisonous flower that lives on the top of a very tall mountain on an island somewhere in the fourteenth dimension.”

“Very good, your inspirational name shall now be… Purple Flower Killing on the Wayside. Now repeat after me… I am.”

Badger-man repeated “I am.”

“And what is your name?”

“Badger-man.”

“No, what is your name?”

“Purple Flower Killing on the Wayside.” Badger-man mumbled.

“And what are you?” the speaker prodded.

“Hungry.”

“And it is YOUR choice on whether or not you eat! Whether or not you sleep! Whether or not you go to the bathroom when you need to!”

“I do.” Badger-man said. “And it’s not even my fault, they haven’t fed me yet; I’m not even supposed to be here.”

The lips and mustache shook his head, “Everyone has a purpose here, Purple Flower Killing on the Wayside.”

One hour later:

“I am Loserous Dustus and I am here to rule the world!”

“Louder!”

Yet another hour later

“I am Loserous… Dustus… *huff* and I… and I… I think gonna faint! *crash*

Seven hours later

“Who are-”

“I’M NOT GAY!!!!!!!!” Neo then ran away screaming.

Fourteen hours later.

“Hello. My name is Wrench McGruff and I’ve been sober for six seconds now” Everyone clapped.

Somewhere far, far away

Ray stopped and turned to Harrison, “Did you suddenly feel a sense of purpose just now?”

“No.”

“Awright.”

Chapter xii

"Fiftiesus Freakesus"

Ray, Harrison, Macaroni Prince, and Miss Fraise stood in one of the many rooms in the house in the vortex. This one was full of bushes that moved where ever they felt like going and trees that grew to towering heights in only three seconds and the withered away to nothing. No one thought anything of these strange occurrences, Ray and Harrison had been in this world for some amount of time and were already getting used to the fact that everything could do what it shouldn’t be able to do if it felt like it… that’s why Harrison had turned himself into a purple carrot.

Suddenly, a man that was short on his left side and tall on his right, came out of a bush that lit of fire immediately following. The man’s hair was slicked back in such a way that there was no doubt in anyone’s mind that the man’s hair could stop a bullet. “Hello!” he said.

“Hi.” Everyone said in response.

“What a lively bunch! Do you guys like the classic musical Grease? Because I do!” that man did not wait for a response. “I tell you, that moral is like rhamdabatoolaforgatioflalagahfk. And all the characters fit together like rhamalamadingdong and doodlewoodlewidlsnapper. You know what I mean?”

No one did. They just stood there in the room staring at the crazy man as though he had one side that was short and one side the was tall, what a crazy idea that was for them all to be thinking, but think it they did.

“So guys, I totally just made up the best dance for Grease Lightning. I’m gonna teach it to ya. What you do is, stomp on the left foot then jump in a circle. And once you do that forty-seven times, you do a little sweeping motion with your hands like this and…”

Suddenly, and not even coming from anywhere, there stood an Asian man. “Why you so crazy????!!!!????!!!!” he screamed. “You not hungry for choreography, you hungry for HOTPOCKET!!!!!!” he then gave them each a hotpocket.

Chapter xiii

"Nativeous Nonsensous"

"NOOOO!" Phil screamed, while some raspy jazz screamed in the background, "I DO NOT WANT TO BUY DEATH STICKS!!"

clearly, Phil was entering the stage that every movie shows people doing whilst trapped in some endless desert... delusional... stage. That's why the convenient natives heard him yelling from their village. They arrived, but, as is VERY comical in most movies involving someone being lost in some endless desert and is found by natives, they thought he was their god.

"Tut-hek men hata'ak men?" One naked fellow dressed in a bear asked him.
Phil groaned as always happens when one is found by convenient natives even though he'd been awake for a good three hours (though i'm not sure what the difference is between a good three hours and a bad three hours, probably what you accomplish in those three hours, poor time always getting blamed for things it didn't do) and had slept well (dreaming of gumdrops dancing in his head as pink bunnies performed a satanic ritual... that's a good dream).

The natives stared curiously at him for a moment, cocking their purplish heads. "Tutek ma'asann denoptro!" The first one screamed!
"Wait! No!" The natives picked up Phil and hurtled across the desert.
There town was happy and full of butchers, they had the remains of a happy caravan that had turned cannibalistic, and they had a happy cliff right next door. Once Phil arrived at the town everyone back down and went to their knees in respect. Then an old man with graying hair that look particularly odd against his purple head. "Taktek a'ateka kakha'tak!" they proceeded to hand feed Phil all kinds of CRAZY foods.

"Bahahaha! Weee! Don't eat me!" A grape pleaded, while bouncing all over its bowl. "It was my friend!"

Phil took pity on the little grape and requested that it be put into his loving careful attention custody. It was and they had many adventures soon to come together until the grape went bad and began to stink up the whole place and Phil threw him off a cliff. Then the leader guy spoke again, "tek ha'akitaki kit akad." I think that meant 'and now to the cliff', but no one knows for sure.

They held Phil high over their arms, as he screamed. As Phil neared the cliff, his life flashed before his eyes. He could see.... not much actually.

He frowned. "Why don't I get a back-story?"

An old grandfather-typsey figure appeared. "Because you are a worthless side character." Then it slapped him.

Chapter xiv

"Recreationous Revileous"

Harrison, Ray, Miss Fraise, and the Macaroni Prince all stared silently at the asian guy as he began to slowly fade away, once he was gone, the greaser (the very same one that had been attempting desperately to teach the foursome staring in confused awe how to dance his version choreography for the grease lightning theme song) began to disappear as well; just not in as quiet a way as the other, with a flash of green and eerie and evil and loving light, he disappeared, and with the same hurrah, this sentence finally ends. As does the paragraph.

Harrison turned to the Macaroni Prince, “so what does any of this have to do with us?” he asked.

“The answer you seek lies in the community pool.”

So they went to the community pool and began to swim around having a grand old time, except for the purple ninjas that consistently tried to kill our brave heroes. The pool had everything anything could ever want anytime anywhere so long as he was in the community pool. It had working pirate ships and merchant vessels all fully decked out with real cannons and actual cannon balls. There were water slides going to the left, the right, the middle, and the george. Sometimes the water went down 20,000 leagues to accommodate submarines, evil geniuses, giant squids, and water bananas, while other times the water -20,000 leagues under the sea to accommodate a paradox.

But the fun was not to last, after only a few minutes of quality pool time, the lifeguards blew there whistles, conches, and ribbajacks and told everyone to get over to one side of the pool and stand on the edge with their left hands doing a peace sign while the left said “I love you.” in sign language.

The lifeguards proceeded to walk down the rows of people standing by the pool pausing every once and a while to ask a poor (or rich) soul a question. “What’s my mother’s middle name?” one said, “Why do fools fall in love?” another asked “Why does Jimmy crack corn?” yet another inquired, “Why do birds suddenly appear whenever you are near?” a particularly strange looking fellow asked. And after each question, the creature would desperately hope for the correct answer and would always be wrong (except for one who had guessed McKiller-McGee as the lifeguard’s mother’s maiden name) after which they would be hit in the back of the head and tossed into the pool.

Finally, the whistle blew and everyone was allowed back in the water, but only if they ran forty seven laps around the pool with a monkey on their backs and a chip on their shoulders. Almost everyone did so and exhausted returned to the pool. But before everyone could return to their fun, everyone was told to doggy-paddle to their left. Once done, the lifeguards told them to backstroke to what would have been their right before they turned on to their backs. “Now jump ten times.” “now shuck corn (trademark of Taunco inc).” “now hold your breath for half an hour.” “now eat this twig.” “now bunny hop.” “now shoot this target.”

Everyone was exhausted an many had failed and been escorted out of the pool when they heard the lifeguards say, “Final thing!!!!” everyone listened carefully. “Turn to your neighbor,” they did so (some failed to have a neighbor to turn to and were escorted out of the pool area) “and begin a duel to the death.”

Chapter xv

"Suicideous Sacredous"

The cliffs drew ever nearer and Phil began to really freak out (he had thought he’d been freaking out before, but that’s just what everyone thinks when they’ve had a sheltered, if not a little worthless and unusual, life). Just as Phil was within throwing distance of the edge, the natives carrying him set him down on the ground and the first one said something in his native tongue after which he jumped off the cliff himself.

This continued on with about a dozen or so more people with Phil staring on at them in utter confusion. He would have gone on having no idea what was going on had he not spared the life of one little grape. “They think you’re their god and will only reveal your great ultimate powers to them if they are in great peril.” The grape said jumping up and down on Phil’s left pan.

Unfortunately, knowing what’s going on doesn’t really help anyone in stopping it; unless you had been walking and did not want to and had had until recently no idea that you were walking and once you realized could quite easily solve the problem by knowing you were walking and simply stopping… this was not one of those situations.

“What should I do?” Phil asked the grape, feeling rather stupid by doing so.

“How should I know? I’m just a grape; you’re the great ultimate god.”

Phil thought to himself in great confusion about what he should about this whole situation. “Well, I am a bird, perhaps I could just fly down and save one of them.” He thought to himself.

So Phil cautiously walked towards the cliff edge and looked down, the bottom was completely out of sight, and there were many great and mysterious creatures flying floating and eating their way through the sky or air, whichever you think is politically correct. He swallowed something that had creped its way up his throat, it was probably nothing, but he could have sworn he could a croaking sound and butterfly wings beating against the air, which ruffled his hair in such a manner that caused him to become flustered. Then he jumped into the empty space and began to fall.

He fell for a long time and noticed that he was falling faster than any of the natives, in fact, they hardly seemed to be falling at all, it seemed that gravity worked differently on them and would loosen its pull on them as they neared the ground. Soon Phil was farther down than the first native to jump and, luckily, if not a little unusually, the ground was still out of sight. Phil was not very skilled in the arts of not falling and it took him about forty-seven minutes before he was finally able to fly upwards again.

He saw the first native fall through the air towards him and positioned himself right below him. The native landed with a thump onto his back and began to talk excitedly in his own language.

Phil was still congratulating himself on his genius work when the next three natives appeared. Thinking quickly he positioned himself under them as well as they stacked up on top of the first native. This seemed to be working and so Phil just piled them up on top of each other as he slowly flew upward.

To be exact, forty-seven natives were saved by Phil and were ecstatic while forty-seven others were very sad about missing out on the fun, or, as they would say, “tak la’akle te fal ke’ek”

Once they were all gathered on the ground, the leader approached Phil bowed down low and spoke, “Kle’ek tea k ta’ak le Wal-Mart.”

Chapter xvi

"Lupus Looneous"

Harrison, Ray, The Macaroni Prince, and Miss Fraise climbed wearily out of the pool after only just barely defeating five three-year-olds who were now silently crying to their floating Loch Ness Yourmomsters. “Why did we fight five three-year-olds when there’s only four of us?” Miss Fraise inquired while drying her calyx (listen to Friday email recording and all will be revealed).

“Because you cont for two being so deliciously delicious.” The Macaroni Prince cooed disgustingly lovingly.

“So,” Ray asked beginning to wonder, “how was going through all that supposed to help us learn why we’re here?”

The Macaroni Prince paused momentarily, “It doesn’t, I just thought it’d be fun to go here.”

“We almost got killed!” Ray screamed, “How could you possibly think that would be fun!?”

“Some people like that kind of thing’em,” The Macaroni Prince said, “If it’s not your cup of tea, we don’t have to go back.”

Miss Fraise frowned. “My guess would be that they didn’t like it, Cosmo.”

“What’s your name?” Harrison asked.

“Cosmo,” The Macaroni Prince answered, “Cosmo Prince.”

“Wait,” Harrison said, “So, you’re not even a prince, you just have LAST NAME Prince?”

“Yes,” he admitted shamefully.

“There, there.” Miss Fraise said softly stroking The Macaroni Prince’s elbow shaped spine. “I still love you, Cosmo.”

“Hey!” Harrison called over to them, “Get a room!” he then sat down and began to scratch the backside of his ear.

“Harrison, you’re acting very strange tonight, what’s up?” Ray asked, concerned like.

“I’m different, can’tcha see? They all think I’m crazy, but you’re the crazy ones! The crazy AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Harrison leaped into the chicken and screamed. Hair began sprouting from his body at periodical intervals.

Ray was horrified. “What in the name of Davy Jones is going on here?!” He yelled, backing away from the horrific sight.

The Macaroni Prince opened his eyes wide. “This must be the legends we’ve heard about!” He pointed to the calendar on the wall. “It’s the 47^th moon of the 47^th month of the 47^th year!”

Miss Fraise patted her husband gently. “Cosmo, honey, that happens every other day.”

“But this time it’s different!” he yelled raising his pointer finger to the sky resolutely.

“Guys,” Ray said, running away as Harrison began chucking chickens furiously at him. “That’s not really the issue here, how do we stop Harrison!?”

“Oh,” Cosmo said, “You don’t, there’s really nothing that we can do.”

“Well that’s just great!” Ray said as he looked around and found that he had been cornered by Harrison. “Now what!?”

“Ricicoololieofhshghghghghghghghghghghghg!!!!” Harrison bellowed.

Suddenly, as Ray began to accept the fact that he was going to be killed by his best friend, Van Helsing came from out of nowhere and fired his shiny gun at Harrison. Harrison ran shrieking off into the distance and Ray yelled at Van Helsing for shooting his friend. “He’s not your friend anymore!” he yelled.

Chapter xvii

"Subliminus Secretus"

As the foursome, meaning Badger-man, Loserous, Neo, and Blueberry Blast, walked down the hall, jocks did something jocky. (Note the apparent lack of an “E”, stating that they did not in fact ride horses.) “Hey, you GEEKS.” The jersey-clad triangle angled, implying that our heroes, were, of course geeks. “Bet we can beat you at whatever your stupid classes are ‘teaching’.” He was referring to his four other friends, a square, a trapezoid, a circle, and a rather misfitting cylinder.

The triangle, aptly named “Triangle”, was enrolled in the “rule the world with brute force” course. Little did he know that the classes were only there to train obedient, dim-witted, lackeys.

“Okay, then, we’re learning how to brainwash people through popular television.” Neo said eagerly.

“You’re on!!” he said.

“Meet back here in ten minutes to, with your completed video.”

So, precisely at 46:50, the troubled teens met, and thus the witty dialog began.

“We ditched class to make this and it’s going to KILL your dumb video!” The jock said pointedly.

“Yeah…kay…”

Loserous frowned. “Um, well… you first.”

Trapezoid smirked. “Afraaaaaaaaaaaaaaid you’re going to be beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat by our moooooooooooooooooooooooooovie?”

“If I understood that, I might be offended.” Said Badger-man, who was already sporting a school shirt and a hat. (it looked like the top portion of earth with a man standing triumphantly at the top.)

The jocks were silent for a moment. Finally, one picked up the mental cohesion to mimic him in a nasal voice. The other jocks, of course, thought this was hilarious.

“COMMENCE MOVIE WATCHING!!!”

As if by magic, everyone was teleported to a theatre designed to look like a chicken, smell like a chicken, and act like a chicken. Thus the jock’s movie began with the circle standing in a football field holding a piece of paper. “Your own fist… app… app… lee… ed… ed… deeer… eckely… to… to your… own face.”

The triangle came out with the circle and spoke, “Dude, it’s APPLIED. Don’t you know how to read?”

“Neither do you!”

“Yes, but my mom does my homework for me!”

“Your mom can read?”

“Yes, and being a trophy wife, she doesn’t have anything else to do, so she stays at home all day. Anyways, just say the line.” The triangle left.

“Your own fist… applied directly to your own face.”

Then, from behind the camera, “Huhuh, that’ll learn ‘em.”

“Very… interesting.” Loserous said, as the scrawly credits rolled.

The second movie began.

A giant wheel of cheese was flying through open space at high speeds when it stopped and turned to face the camera. “Hey Kids! Are you ready for some more funny fun time!?!?!?”

The jocks couldn’t help but say yes, grinning idiotically.

“Then get up from your chairs and get these three TERRIFIC kids some FANTASTIC treats!!!!!!” The cheese held up a picture of Loserous, Badger-man, and Neo.

Stumbling over each other in their haste to retrieve some snacks, the jocks were frozen again by the voice of the cheese. “Now, kiddies, this is a cowbell, it makes a sound like this; CLANG! From now on, whenever you hear that sound, you will do whatever that person says, okay?” The jocks agreed. Of course! What other thing to obey than a cowbell?

Then the movie ended and everyone found themselves back in the school hallway. “That movie was LAME.”

“Oh really?” Neo said holding up a cowbell. “CLANG! Get me a wheel of cheese!”

“Yes, sir!” the jock said.

“CLANG!” Blueberry hit the cowbell, “And call me mom!”

“Yes, Mom!”

Chapter xviii

"Meetus Meatus"

“Tak tah’anm hepatitis Wal-Mart!” The native proclaimed happily, as they carried Phil up the escalator. As they went up every one of those crazy little kids from the peanuts waved to them. The escalator rose up past the swirly taco, through the crispity cream donut cave, over the river, next to grandma’s house, until it finally arrived at the second floor. “Only forty-six floors left.” The grape informed Phil.

“Well,” Phil said, “Tell me when we get to twenty, ‘cause I’m gonna throw up.”

Suddenly the Ghostbusters come running by, “What did you do Ray?!”

So, onward they went past the parking lots, the college campus, the bio-domes, the cheese wheels, and every other thing that you wouldn’t expect to see in the middle of a desert. At the nineteenth floor, Phil threw up, and thus owed everyone in the clan twenty bucks.

Then, after even more turmoil and comically disastrous mishaps, they reach the forty-seventh floor. A brightly painted sign with sunflowers and roses painted on it saying in chipped cheerleader font, “Cannibalistic Section.” Phil gulped as they walked past a little green man dressed in a leaf eating his vegetables next to a strange looking, but definitely strong, man smoking a pipe and eating his spinach. Then they walked past a short man bargaining with a tall man over a slab of meat. “How fresh is it?” the first one asked, “Hasn’t even had its funeral yet.” The latter replied.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere weighing in at 210,000,000 lbs, 4,700 Harrisons high, the all-powerful, ultimate, amazing legendary, extreme, better-than-the-Maverick-Monster, RA!!!! And he brought along his family; there’s Mama RA, Papa RA, Brother RA, Sister RA, and Cousin Freddie from the horror films.

“Those are my M’Noodles!!!!” RA screamed as Popeye began to eat all relatives to the Jolly Green Giant.

“Tak Klah Ha’akatak Ma Kadak, la, High School Musical.”

The grape translated, “In M’Noodle tradition, if two Gods appear they have to duel to the death.”

Chapter xix

"Discussus Distantus"

Harrison awoke lying in a nice, soft, comfortable king-sized bed. The nougat filling was very comfortable. Harrison screamed as he noticed a floating costume standing right next to him. “Good morning and it is.” The costume said cheerfully.

“What? Where am I?” Harrison groaned.

“Why, you’re in the wonderfully zippy land of Oz… er, I mean Icecreamariadaville.” The costume said. As he spoke, Harrison wondered how it was that the costume talked and where its voice came from.

“Who are you?”

“My name is Mr. Costume.” Mr. Costume announced proudly. “If you feel well enough, you, my French third cousin, and I could take a little stroll around town and get to know each other.”

“Um, sure, okay.” Harrison agreed, getting up from his bed, which he was glad to be doing since the bed had begun to melt around him. “Is your cousin-” Harrison began.

“French third cousin.” He corrected.

“Sure, well is he a costume like you?”

“Oh, heavens no! My dear boy, he’s a castume!” Mr. Costume exclaimed, as though cone and his dog should know that.

“Oh, my mistake then.” Harrison said, completely and utterly confused. “Let’s get going, then, shall we?”

So they leave the room through a gingerbread door with little nibbles at the bottom from all the mice eating it. Waiting just outside the door was another costume, or so the untrained eye would assume, but this costume was actually a castume.

It stepped forward. “Ah, you must be our little loup-garou! My name’s M. Castume, it is indeed a pleasure to meet you.”

“You’re French? The French are-“

“IDIOTS!” Ray yelled, as Van Helsing and his little monk cowered in fear. “You don’t attack that!” Shamefully, the monk backed away from the squawking drive-thru speaker. “Yeah. And one more thing. You really can’t-“

“See that tree over there?” Harrison inquired, pointing off to the left. “Do you think it would explode if I-”

“Wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener…” Ray said thoughtfully. “And everyone would be in love with me.”

“Yes, but of what logical value?” The macaroni prince replied, skinning a lobster.”`

“Well, you could use it-“

“To stop the bleeding.” Harrison informed clutching his left arm.

“Yeah, I’ve actually never seen a Doo-dah Bird attack someone like that before.”

Chapter xx

"Confuscious Contemptuous"

Stinky sat quietly in front of the telly, making only the occasional noise of merriment when a coconut fell on the mustachioed man’s head. Professor Cerebellum sat nearby at his desk, staring deeply into a small mirror.

“Mirror, mirror, speak to me!” He said in earnest.

Earnest, the face in the mirror, appeared and shook itself groggily.

“Howdy, Grey. Whatcha want?” It raised an inquisitive eyebrow at the rodent, who chattered in an irritated manner and replied, “Don’t call me that anymore,” he fiddled with his vials of limasaur urine. “Ever since I graduated from Eagle Gate College, my life… my identity has changed! And for the BETTER! FOR THE BETTER, I SAY!!”

“Okay, okay!” Earnest shook the spittle from his nose. “For the better,” He agreed. “Now, Professor, what exactly did you want, or did you just call to chat?”

“Of course.” The professor placed both his paws on the desk. “Mirror, mirror, in my hand, show me the humans that live in this land!”

Earnest spun around a few times, but stopped. “Uh… Professor?”

“What. Is. It.” Cerebellum hissed.

“I’m sorry, sir…” Earnest mumbled. “I… there aren’t any full humans here.”

“What?!” Cerebellum squealed, “I… he saw them!” He yanked a microphone towards his mouth, and his voice boomed out all over the grounds.

"BADGERMAN, REPORT TO PROF. CEREBELLUM’S OFFICE… IMMEDIATELY.”

MEANWHILE…

Ray peered into the stream, eyeing the catfish. They looked so good… and, given, they were glowing green, but… “I’m so hungry…” He moaned. The prince and his bride didn’t seem to have the need to eat, so they were unaware that their human guest needed food in order to survive.

A small fish ambled over to the edge, no doubt looking for some nuclear guppies to snack on. It paused for a moment, and before he himself realised it, Ray snatched at it. The catfish retaliated, slashing at the offending hand with its whiskers before disappearing into the now murky water. “Gyah!” Ray cried, and fell backward.

His wounded hand gushed blood, and when it seemed that he was soon going to die from blood loss… the wound vanished. Ray sat up, feeling better than he had in weeks. His wounds were all healed, he was no longer tired, and his once devastating hunger seemed to have gone with the wind. Suddenly Ray felt the uncontrollable urge to go swimming. For some reason this seemed to be perfectly normal to him, and he stood up, pulling his shirt off. He looked down at his arms… there was something strange about the skin. He shook his head, and prepared to jump into the water. Suddenly he saw his reflection. “WHA?!” He cried out, staring at his face, “WHISKERS!?”

He fainted.

Chapter xxi

"Pop-cultureous Perfectous"

“I’m… sorry… Professor…” Badgerman gasped. 47 hours of Booba seemed to be getting to him. “I swear… I … saw them... at the beach…”

“Surely, you cannot be telling the truth!” Cerebellum roared.

“I…am…” Badgerman feebly whined, “And don’t call me Shirley.”

“Excuse me!” Earnest said cheerfully, “But there is another way to find out if there are any humans around… if you remember!”

“Of COURSE!” Cerebellum whirled about. “Earnest, I just had a brilliant idea!”

“Do tell,” Earnest said exasperatedly.

“We… use… Berebcrum!”

“To the Thatcave!” A huge iconic face of the masked hero of the night came spinning forward with intense music blasting this tune: “doodleoodleloodleloodle!” Suddenly, Badger-man, Prof. Cerebellum, Earnest, and Ricky Ricardo were standing in an immense cave of wonders.

“Where am I?” Ricky asked, “badger-man! You got some ‘splaining’ ta do!”

“WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER!?” A giant Squirrel head asked loudly.

“Giant squirrel-head! You got some ‘splainin’ ta do!”

“Enough Pop-culture for today!” Cerebellum screeched. The cave of wonders, Ricky Ricardo, and George Lucas all disappeared and the threesome were in a large dome-like, metal room with a narrow pathway leading to an expensive and complicated looking bit of machinery. Prof. Cerebellum took the metal boot from of the nearby table and attached it to his left foot. Images of little dot like things in the shape of the one and only continent appeared before him; all talking amongst themselves. “Show me all the humans; part or whole.” Cerebellum demanded.

All the dots disappeared, save three. One was in the room right behind the Professor, but the other two were either securely planted or moving towards... “Ah, so there you are…” Cerebellum said, a smile creeping across his fury little face.

Meanwhile, on the banks of Catfish Stream

“Remarkable!”

“Oh, Kosmo, is he going to be alright?”

“He’ll be fine, but for right now, help me try to wake him by poking this stick in his large eye.”

Ray awoke instantly at the first stab. “Ow! What the!?” He said, but no one understood him as to them he sounded more like; “bloop bloo blee blop bloopbla blee bloop blee!”

“My dear, you have nothing to worry about, this is merely a harmless side affect that comes from becoming a giant man-fish!”

Ray was confused at this comment and tried to tell them so, being, once again, completely unsuccessful.

“Ah well, that’s that!” The Macaroni Prince said, “Better get moving, an inevitable climax waits for no one!"

Chapter xxii

"Transportus Transformerous."

Phil didn’t have time to run, at least not in the right direction. In all the confusion, he ran towards RA. The large crowd of shoppers flew by as Phil ran at an unlikely speed towards his all powerful opponent. RA grew larger and larger, glowing a bright shade of maroon. The noises of the crowds steadily became more distant and Phil had only just enough time to scream illegible words to no one at all when his body collided with RA’s.

Phil instantly exploded and imploded at the same time thus thrusting his innocent and unfortunately mortal body into a gap in space and time; where chickens sing and the blind men sting.

Phil floated in the void for some time with his eyes shut tight; he was sure that he was dead. But he wasn’t. He was only trapped in a void that no one could ever escape from. Phil decided, after some internal debate, that he would open his eyes. It was then that he realized it made no difference, as the void was completely maroon. “Grape?” Phil called into the chill air.

“I’m over here!” the little grape yelped.

“Where are we?” Phil asked.

“We’re at the corner of Space and Time. I believe we need to go down Space for a little bit and then turn left at Reality, but they don’t label their streets here, so I don’t know which way to go.” Phil felt all hope leave him as the grape admitted that he didn’t know where to go. “We should probably ask one of the residents here for directions.”

Phil was completely confused now. “People actually live here?”

“Oh yeah,” Grape responded. “It’s prime real estate. Ah-ha! This one looks friendly!” So they walked in the direction that Grape had pointed until he ran into a huge tiki hut. Cautiously, Phil stepped through the beaded hobo and into the tiny room. Phil looked around and beheld a giant organ. It pulsed rather sickeningly, and Phil was quite inclined to avoid it.

Suddenly a rumbling from above made Phil jump. “WHO DARES INTRUDE ON MY LAIR!?!?!?@JHDJS!?”

Phil screamed and tried to run, but he ran into the organ, which made a soft squelching sound. He heard a thud from behind him; he turned around, trembling. “What?!” Phil screeched, “Jacob?! Jacob JONES?!”

“Yes it’s me… wait. How did you know?” He stepped into the light to reveal what he had become: a GIANT ice cream cone, at least compared to Phil.

“Plot device told me,” Phil said simply.

Chapter xxiii

"Shortbusus Suspicious"

Ray blubbed miserably. “Blub blubblub blub,” He whined, and, though no one understood him, what he was trying to say was, “I’m so frigging tired of these whiskers!” He sucked on his finger, which was bleeding, green.

“Kosmo,” Miss Fraise said, “I think he’s trying to tell us something. I wish I could understand what he’s saying.”

“Perhaps I can be of assistance!” A short-bread man wearing a black wizard’s coke announced. “I speak Parsley Tongue!” He then turned to Ray and blubbed, “Blub Blubblub Blub Blubblublub.”

Ray understood exactly what the man was trying to say even though he had replaced the word cheese with chess on accident. “Blub blubblubblub blub blub.”

And so, for that next half hour, the two spoke non-stop. They spoke of almost anything anyone could think of and, by the time the half-hour was over, neither could think of a single thing to say to each other. Miss Fraise tapped on the man’s shoulder, and timidly inquired, “Uh… mister? We really need to find our lapine friend, so, could you get some information from Ray about where Harrison might have gone, and we’ll just-”

The shortbread man turned back to her. “D’you mind? We just only finished saying hello,” He grumbled.

“Um… Professor?” Neo looked around him. “Not to be repetitive, sir… But what are we doing?”

“Neo, I TOLD you.” Professor Cerebellum gripped the tiny steering wheel, almost missing an elderly woman. Almost. “We’re going on a field trip, the purpose of which is to find an ancient shaman who will give us a crumpet that will turn any non-human to a human for 47 minutes unless universal domination is achieved by anyone within 47 feet of the eaters at the time of eating.”

“Yes, sir, but… why are there hostages tied up in the back?” Neo peered into the trunk of the shortbus.

“To pay the toll,” The professor said, as though bartering living things for passage on the freeway was normal.

Neo looked at his three friends, who were sitting behind him, just as confused as he. “Right…”